as ever

i fill the quiet

other's words crowding out

on my own

under a shared roof

hungover and its not quite

regret

the error loops wearing their grooves

deeper into me

I've sunk as far

away from the light 

sometimes seeing better

in these shadows 

artificial contrasts

no longer distracted and 

this is where the work happens

too often asking

to what end

glitching through life

knowing truth 

and denying 

the choices I make 

a denial of the inner

thoughts I can't share with

anyone

Except. 

these empty pages

a living will 

against my own I continue

the hardest way forward 

stop

and cut that desire path

right angles and

efficient

boy, time is running out

you're the same as in the memories

all of this is you

has been you

will be you

what do you do with it

what's left

interrogate the declaration 

there's no need for 

punctuation 

life has never fit so neatly

into any form

a constant micro

ebb and flow

even when the pieces of the whole 

cease

how many countless other pieces

oscillating forever

parkinsonian tremolo

echoing across years

amplitude and frequency

tinnitus or static from sources

elsewhere 

doesn't matter

the story is the same

only difference is

what perspective does

this distance from 

what came before

that was me

there, then

as is this, now

 

the 101

life is a minor chord of forgotten memories

on another highway

to where, i’m not sure

though the hills, green & rolling

and familiar in a passing way

these are not the same

heavy low, grey

ocean clouds

hanging about 

my head in these clouds

&

this endless stream

bodies hurtling through space

trapped in boxes

metal or otherwise

where are we going

vanishing point 

of some horizon

in a shrouded distance

is that even the horizon

where does earth end and sky begin

where do i end and you begin

white geometries 

embedded in organic memories

mysteries seen but never solved

unsure where this will all end

although

we all know

exactly

where this all ends

but that’s not for now

for now

is

another ribbon

black asphalt 

hope

&

hopefully 

at the end

a new memory

&

hopefully 

at the end

not forgotten

like so much else

maybe.

between here and there

peak summer swelter
and finally it returns
the rising before the sun and 
doing nothing else, can do nothing else
I write 
about you as always
except you always changes through
the years have left me 
advancing on some fronts and retreating on others
wondering where the border between
you & i; Us
and then, there's them
on the outside (or at least, the other side)
imagining only what they think
it must be true
a coward, heartless, cold
shoulders and backs turning
toward the end
but it didn't have to be this way

Overwhelming loss feeling your

Absent minded day to day and 

Never realizing the damage

We’re too old for this shit

Why can’t we find

That shared path is out there

In the gloom and shrouded from

Unseeing, unwanting eyes and hearts

You know the way as much as I 

Do you want it

Because my life is yours if

Just see my pain and 

We’re all a part of it in 

The other reels at our clumsy

Loving you is still easy

Naturally fitting together 

Funny how the frames almost

Nesting dolls of the persons

Who were we when we were

Together only a past tense 

I hope not,

But why

What impossible truth do I see in

Your heart so strong

But tender too are those nights

From memory and a peace 

Only possible in the warmth of 

Loving our nest 

No matter the storm outside 

Eventually we had to leave it

And lost ourselves and became ourselves

A part of the storm

Tossed and shaken

Reaching out for the other 

Furious or heartbroken 

The hand outstretched through the tumult

Offering safety and love and security

While the other tallies the wrongs

Balancing the ledger so that each time 

Holding only cost more

the ambiguity of breath

cast aside for fear
of moving into a future
i still have to write it
right this ship
it sways and rolls until

we're floating upside down

& the water rises to the floor

where is the bottom of 

this decade has been 

nothing but adrift

my self an amalgamated

island of dying kelp avoiding

being washed ashore and food for the 

scavengers

am I bottom feeding

what sustains these efforts 

knowing the truth is 

exactly as she screams

He died today

last year

how possibly has this been

am I really here?

I don't know how to 

honor him, honor them

how much more should

how much more can 

I do anything 

right or wrong

you just have to keep going

it'll be messy

it'll be beautiful

it'll be sadder than even imagined

but only if you keep trying

keep moving

and when finally you find 

whatever soft spot 

in the heart of things

and you finally

let the walls crumble

and deep breathing

sigh

finally in that space

you are infinite

and even in the deepest 

peaceful rest and safety

the spirit moves

always

walking home

waking before the alarm
still in the dark
but clarity
'remember this'
i dreamt of walking home

it was never a home 
i knew though where i was 
coming from some far off place before the 
lights turn on and reality

sit in this moment
and feel whatever it feels
don't
denial doesn't actually change 
you are whatever you 

such a tender feeling now
and I see you
smaller in the distant 
mirror reflecting the shimmering heat

the city recedes behind scrubby hills
rise and descending into that great
sandy plain 
an expanse of rock and dust
the occasional green hue holding 

faster and faster across this 
open the windows and feel the 
hot air amounting to 
best intentions are fucking nothing

what do all these dreams mean

you know exactly

it's not even avoiding 

the truth permeates the 

everything of living the last

one more time and 

finally the

we are at the mercy and 

the gratitude for 

a universe circling around countless others

and we 

the same a 

speck of

this sounds familiar and

there are no answers.

two days

the sadness of another
isolated grey morning dawning
realization that today is no
further down the road than 
yesterday i was one day younger
versions of myself never imagined
being where i am today; 

I really do love you

are probably better cutting ties

with the creature behind the keyboard

helps keep a distance between whatever

self-ish or self-less

it doesn't matter 

both see the world from a 

I can only imagine the tenuous

feeling shaky and when's the 

penny dropped for me

flashing on the screen

"I love you"

there was no fury

there was resolve

i am not going to let this end

all things do

as they, and we

and the trees and the sky 

and the birds in it

impermanent

it's just a matter of perspective

I have just that

it's not just imagining

I know exactly how it feels to hold a thing

together we 

holding on, battling on

hope against the hopeless

can you surrender to 

i dreamt the most horrible 

i'm so sorry

not for loving you 

will remain with me forever

arrives whether we want it to or not

i fear death as much as 

anyone still wanting

to lead a particular 

this life has not been bad

i've been lucky

I've known beauty.

and whatever is the absence

i've felt

it arises in me without warning and 

like a spooked animal

the instinct is to run

away from the dark feelings

won't go away

but, they don't need to

welcome them, accept them

remove their power stares directly

the sun in my  

eyes closed and seeing the

opaque reminder that within

still beating, this heart

through feast and fallow

storm and calm

an anxious ceasefire in the small hours

slip through, pass by and 

gone forever

I don't want to be another ghost

nor to know another

life will always be with me

as i hope you will be

in perfect balance we teeter on this 

crest of the western mountain 

views into an ocean of clouds

hard to tell the haze from the shimmer

sea holds me mute

a pebble within

and as distant as any other

sharing an origin

the pebble, I, and the ocean

a recognition of the truth

of any life 

even where there is no life

in those trees though

they fucking breathe and fill

my deepest emptiness with

something never quite put to words

miss the point

I'm trying to say 

in the deepest forest of my 

memories are lies, unintentional

avoid the details

remember how to feel

feel to know which point on the map 

drawn from memory and ignoring the side roads 

backtracking from the rim of this 

canyons are earth in relief

the memory of this planet's past

lives are the same

i have changed

the course you choose

to ignore or reckon with

the reality is that

this is what I believe

in yourself accept the 

worse in every way, I'm

not quite free falling

not too late to self-arrest before

the great yawning ocean of air

i'm sliding toward oblivion

out of control 

the more i wait

the less likely

dig in and do something

ring the bell and 

make the earth sing

a resonance that carries on

long after the friction is applied

this life echoes

put it up to your ear and 

you can hear your past

selves screaming your name

move man, time is running 

out the door and into tomorrow

you never know until 

you try.

little creature

how do you burn down

the forest explodes

a billion twinkly shadows

shades of green overlapping

and in the middle

the perfect most tiny

elegant little 

flowers bloom in the 

strangest places make you

feel more like yourself

has been searching the same

we just can't quite

find what

never existed except

if you can dream it

stops being real the moment

walking away

down that same path 

is never the same as 

time before 

you moved differently

the wind tasted of a

different seasons

reminding 

renewal is 

even the most fragile

little flower

has deep roots.

soon shall i

there's always more to come
sometimes the next minutes
turn into years and 
i'm 43 now
20 years ago and then some
windblown, rattle trap of
a condemned home 
is still a home
one that you want to 
leaving does't mean
sometimes that's just what comes 
next steps, there's no way round
the building built beneath 
these feet only work walking
forward is the only 
directionless a sea of kelp
floating cities of 
inidivual pieces fall away and 
washed on a shore
misunderstood and discarded
does the sea weap
salty tears covering so many
times our face next to
yours and mine pantomiming
some larger thing happening here
we're wrapped in a 
this is all so distracting
and time is running
are the words harder to form
to find a truth
who ever said there was one
what answer will satisfy
there is none.

i'm a big dumb

monsters under the bed 

haunting me since 

my memories 

of some things they

never faded

worn elbow patched

the wound is still there

now you go into the world

wearing a sort of armor

pierced hearts finding just

the smallest space between these 

ribs like the blinds fluttering

rattled by the atmosphere and 

shaken from some mid morning

the skies are still grey 

but with air so cool and sweet

you know there's light behind

we're all left by

someone will be there after

the fall is around the corner

turned toward which

ever love lasts

i really do still believe that

they can change the world

the words a window

representing some deeper 

understanding

longing, dying to live

and be loved

for exactly

yes, accept this 

for what I am, i am

healthy or sick the 

truth of 

is there anything left to

just say it

comes into this world and disappears into 

an ether of experience

unbothered, mute

to the immensity we

feel this thing

but the trees don't 

fucking child to be so

still caught in 

this loop of 

self-denial

hoping that 

you were born anything

other

I'm just sitting here

and watching 

the leaves sway and 

dancing in the wind

soon

shall i

be.

maybe if i keep writing

eventually the answers will
fall out from this one may
irradiate my heart 
once and for all I sink
into the art
to living a life
some of the folks down
here things have turned 
however they do, they did
going back isn't an option
on the future is always a gamble
with hearts, the house holds
the secret we all know
time runs out and you'll never
waiting is suffering;

every single day undistracted or unplanned

there is no plan

for which ending

or is it a beginning

you must understand that they

two pieces of the same 

get close enough and every circle

a straight line between then

now I lost my way

and a new light rising on a new 

line of sight vanishing 

in a pinpoint of clarity

clarifying only that there is nothing

solid in the core of anybody

but the earth made us

returning to it sooner than ever

hoping for a reprieve that never

mind the darkest bits and 

what shines in the distance never

dullest thud of wind

knocked from my sails and drifting

a languid surface hanging lifeless air

and under the sea you know

a world beyond imagining

is all we got to get 

past a point where letting go

seems possible if only

strength comes from the 

moments that you remember after 

everything still makes me 

it's a kind of happiness

like for someone else

that was you, is that possible

more than you ever dreamed

a domain of fear

the darkened eyelids hinting at 

an inner life twisted and 

i've never been good at tying knots

are they scars on those trees

mending in acquiescence to forces

you only see them in relief

a shadow of past 

the wind howled this way

so i bent down and let the shore

drifting down a river whose

terminus 

this isn't the end of of the line

maybe nothing more than a junction

one of so many little dots on this

could you chart your life

what story do you tell of 

is the articulation accurate and enough

to sustain you toward the next

the map point yet filled 

you've gone over the edge of the paper

it doesn't matter

the walls filled with memories

writing on any available surface

to catch the water as it pours out of the base

a sieve leaking and making a mess

better than bursting

you can't stick the balloon back together

it's best to ride the current higher and higher

hope is at best

we drift gently toward

some warm field, green and sweetly

humid rustling on a quiet save

the bees buzzing about

this business of 

biology won't be bettered

there's nothing to overcome

with me and we'll 

walking together for while

the sun sets eventually

to rise again

and whose hand then

are you holding?

it always matters

what am i supposed to do
nothing will happen unless

what if

maybe

could be

i’m not sure

signs are all around

not even signs, but glaring

directly, openly 

and yet, and yet

your tears well up, you balk

why is that

what truth are you seeking

what don’t you already know

maybe the unknowing is any future

course charted easy to see on this

heading in a different direction 

you’re choosing to fly into the cloud

which way is up, how close are the mountains

i had the worst dream last night

terror and pleading to please don’t

be responsible and accept 

that whatever happens next

on the page, you’re the one with the pen

ink to paper and suddenly

as if we’re all a little magic

idea becomes reality

it has been a hazy dreaming maybe 

half and half living

half measures eventually give way

through the valley the water must rush

gravity’s invisible hand, relentless and 

inescapable the ending of 

all stories like ours 

is the same as any before or yet

&yet &yet

there’s a light of hoping against

the deluge may be diverted

it doesn’t have to turn out 

the same essential life

forcing through the years

forging a path uncut

purposely going left when all else is right

in these lives

we are representative of 

the species has a knack for stacking the deck

against myself the odds aren’t

hope is greater than despair

nothing is ever that 

the world won’t end

until we end

and by then

it won’t matter.