snow banks

 pink-blue—golden fading light

  of a frozen winter’s dusk

loud footstepping crunch of crystalline 

  snow gets brittle if it’s cold enough

hands turning purple and freezing

  alternating left hand, right hand

realizing too late 

i forgot

Not this place, nor how to get 

  (here’s where I should turn around)

light’s fading quicker than

  the ache in my hands suggest

This is all the further I can

  go anywhere but her(e)

(at least it’s warm there)

each body an inferno waiting

  all you have to do

Choose to use what you’ve always

  having choices means 

What if I’m wrong and I get

  loosing yourself in the shrinking dusk

a frozen smile as the last glinting 

embrace of the sun slinks

  behind that grey cloud and

below these grey-brown branches

They’re not dead

  & neither are you.

little green memories

 She doublespeaks faster than 

    slingshot across the country

    we strode on through forgotten

There are parts of this

    some sons never rise

and others, we bask in the

    eternal hope held hearts

    squeezing like a scared child

on another plane destined for

    some other time zones

    Am I running fast or 

Slowly and ebbing what remains

    nothing ever really disappears

underneath this soil is

    more soil, older and

memories held in that cold

    wet earth smell of living

        yet to be

    Acting out and growing

from the lives already given

to all of us, ghosts

Of future's passed and pasts

yet we amble toward home

    miracles are just waiting

New morning's breath

    dry and rasping, but

free in a bed of one's own

making this all up as we

    toward what oblivion

How does anyone greet death

    every day a negotiated truth

        stalemate bred of 

I know you and I

        too well we still

Hold on, I'm coming home

    soon enough but never near

enough of this hanging

    Knotted up into something 

twisting and frailly trying to

    stand up straight and embrace

That dark isn't always dark

    nor light always light

I'm carrying more than I

    can you keep this up

For how much longer must

    we prove every day that love

lasts irrationally and proudly 

    repudiating death or freedom

How near, these neighbors

Who were those lives just

    down the hall from now

something like 25 years ago

an hour south and its

 

some hearts never heal

    oh yes, they keep beating

some untrodden path sought

    so many new roads

        empty and anything but

Forlorn is a matter of perspective

Vanishing points of the other

side by side and I'm back

a newer past and

    say we just drive

a couple, thousands of 

miles into a setting sun

our orbits aligned to a future

I'm writing in time to the 

    music of another solitary

lamplight warm and reminding

    we made that together

You see colors fit together

    and my unbroken

lines drawn in unconscious

connection is what we

Others don't know

    can they even imagine

When our eyes closed the kaleidoscope 

    of this single breath of living

I am sitting here now crow's feet

    and ebbing toward a still unknown

        exactly the same as he leaping

abandoned and terrified from

rooftop to now I've forgotten

You can fly

    some survival instinct inverted

by emotion and building a home

    in a house on fire

Took my childhood

        a lonely echo of the past

still living in the beating hearts

    same now as then

But, not forever

    past only present as long

as future remains

Unwritten and possible and unprescribed

    the past a path leading anywhere

we choose left after right

The dead have no future &

as we still beating hearts & 

fear & hope & 

Whatever comes next will

    be that same boy

    leaping and frozen

a memory in the flesh

Standing as ever the imperfect

desperate for love and to be loved

    eventually only to lie

with that same earth

Welcoming the still warm

    blood pumping and occasionally 

    spilt along this

confused path toward 

An absence always

a shadow so integral 

transforming feeling into 

some indefatigable weight

some motor propulsing

in time we all know it.

 

as ever

i fill the quiet

other's words crowding out

on my own

under a shared roof

hungover and its not quite

regret

the error loops wearing their grooves

deeper into me

I've sunk as far

away from the light 

sometimes seeing better

in these shadows 

artificial contrasts

no longer distracted and 

this is where the work happens

too often asking

to what end

glitching through life

knowing truth 

and denying 

the choices I make 

a denial of the inner

thoughts I can't share with

anyone

Except. 

these empty pages

a living will 

against my own I continue

the hardest way forward 

stop

and cut that desire path

right angles and

efficient

boy, time is running out

you're the same as in the memories

all of this is you

has been you

will be you

what do you do with it

what's left

interrogate the declaration 

there's no need for 

punctuation 

life has never fit so neatly

into any form

a constant micro

ebb and flow

even when the pieces of the whole 

cease

how many countless other pieces

oscillating forever

parkinsonian tremolo

echoing across years

amplitude and frequency

tinnitus or static from sources

elsewhere 

doesn't matter

the story is the same

only difference is

what perspective does

this distance from 

what came before

that was me

there, then

as is this, now

 

the 101

life is a minor chord of forgotten memories

on another highway

to where, i’m not sure

though the hills, green & rolling

and familiar in a passing way

these are not the same

heavy low, grey

ocean clouds

hanging about 

my head in these clouds

&

this endless stream

bodies hurtling through space

trapped in boxes

metal or otherwise

where are we going

vanishing point 

of some horizon

in a shrouded distance

is that even the horizon

where does earth end and sky begin

where do i end and you begin

white geometries 

embedded in organic memories

mysteries seen but never solved

unsure where this will all end

although

we all know

exactly

where this all ends

but that’s not for now

for now

is

another ribbon

black asphalt 

hope

&

hopefully 

at the end

a new memory

&

hopefully 

at the end

not forgotten

like so much else

maybe.

between here and there

peak summer swelter
and finally it returns
the rising before the sun and 
doing nothing else, can do nothing else
I write 
about you as always
except you always changes through
the years have left me 
advancing on some fronts and retreating on others
wondering where the border between
you & i; Us
and then, there's them
on the outside (or at least, the other side)
imagining only what they think
it must be true
a coward, heartless, cold
shoulders and backs turning
toward the end
but it didn't have to be this way

Overwhelming loss feeling your

Absent minded day to day and 

Never realizing the damage

We’re too old for this shit

Why can’t we find

That shared path is out there

In the gloom and shrouded from

Unseeing, unwanting eyes and hearts

You know the way as much as I 

Do you want it

Because my life is yours if

Just see my pain and 

We’re all a part of it in 

The other reels at our clumsy

Loving you is still easy

Naturally fitting together 

Funny how the frames almost

Nesting dolls of the persons

Who were we when we were

Together only a past tense 

I hope not,

But why

What impossible truth do I see in

Your heart so strong

But tender too are those nights

From memory and a peace 

Only possible in the warmth of 

Loving our nest 

No matter the storm outside 

Eventually we had to leave it

And lost ourselves and became ourselves

A part of the storm

Tossed and shaken

Reaching out for the other 

Furious or heartbroken 

The hand outstretched through the tumult

Offering safety and love and security

While the other tallies the wrongs

Balancing the ledger so that each time 

Holding only cost more

the ambiguity of breath

cast aside for fear
of moving into a future
i still have to write it
right this ship
it sways and rolls until

we're floating upside down

& the water rises to the floor

where is the bottom of 

this decade has been 

nothing but adrift

my self an amalgamated

island of dying kelp avoiding

being washed ashore and food for the 

scavengers

am I bottom feeding

what sustains these efforts 

knowing the truth is 

exactly as she screams

He died today

last year

how possibly has this been

am I really here?

I don't know how to 

honor him, honor them

how much more should

how much more can 

I do anything 

right or wrong

you just have to keep going

it'll be messy

it'll be beautiful

it'll be sadder than even imagined

but only if you keep trying

keep moving

and when finally you find 

whatever soft spot 

in the heart of things

and you finally

let the walls crumble

and deep breathing

sigh

finally in that space

you are infinite

and even in the deepest 

peaceful rest and safety

the spirit moves

always

walking home

waking before the alarm
still in the dark
but clarity
'remember this'
i dreamt of walking home

it was never a home 
i knew though where i was 
coming from some far off place before the 
lights turn on and reality

sit in this moment
and feel whatever it feels
don't
denial doesn't actually change 
you are whatever you 

such a tender feeling now
and I see you
smaller in the distant 
mirror reflecting the shimmering heat

the city recedes behind scrubby hills
rise and descending into that great
sandy plain 
an expanse of rock and dust
the occasional green hue holding 

faster and faster across this 
open the windows and feel the 
hot air amounting to 
best intentions are fucking nothing

what do all these dreams mean

you know exactly

it's not even avoiding 

the truth permeates the 

everything of living the last

one more time and 

finally the

we are at the mercy and 

the gratitude for 

a universe circling around countless others

and we 

the same a 

speck of

this sounds familiar and

there are no answers.

two days

the sadness of another
isolated grey morning dawning
realization that today is no
further down the road than 
yesterday i was one day younger
versions of myself never imagined
being where i am today; 

I really do love you

are probably better cutting ties

with the creature behind the keyboard

helps keep a distance between whatever

self-ish or self-less

it doesn't matter 

both see the world from a 

I can only imagine the tenuous

feeling shaky and when's the 

penny dropped for me

flashing on the screen

"I love you"

there was no fury

there was resolve

i am not going to let this end

all things do

as they, and we

and the trees and the sky 

and the birds in it

impermanent

it's just a matter of perspective

I have just that

it's not just imagining

I know exactly how it feels to hold a thing

together we 

holding on, battling on

hope against the hopeless

can you surrender to 

i dreamt the most horrible 

i'm so sorry

not for loving you 

will remain with me forever

arrives whether we want it to or not

i fear death as much as 

anyone still wanting

to lead a particular 

this life has not been bad

i've been lucky

I've known beauty.

and whatever is the absence

i've felt

it arises in me without warning and 

like a spooked animal

the instinct is to run

away from the dark feelings

won't go away

but, they don't need to

welcome them, accept them

remove their power stares directly

the sun in my  

eyes closed and seeing the

opaque reminder that within

still beating, this heart

through feast and fallow

storm and calm

an anxious ceasefire in the small hours

slip through, pass by and 

gone forever

I don't want to be another ghost

nor to know another

life will always be with me

as i hope you will be

in perfect balance we teeter on this 

crest of the western mountain 

views into an ocean of clouds

hard to tell the haze from the shimmer

sea holds me mute

a pebble within

and as distant as any other

sharing an origin

the pebble, I, and the ocean

a recognition of the truth

of any life 

even where there is no life

in those trees though

they fucking breathe and fill

my deepest emptiness with

something never quite put to words

miss the point

I'm trying to say 

in the deepest forest of my 

memories are lies, unintentional

avoid the details

remember how to feel

feel to know which point on the map 

drawn from memory and ignoring the side roads 

backtracking from the rim of this 

canyons are earth in relief

the memory of this planet's past

lives are the same

i have changed

the course you choose

to ignore or reckon with

the reality is that

this is what I believe

in yourself accept the 

worse in every way, I'm

not quite free falling

not too late to self-arrest before

the great yawning ocean of air

i'm sliding toward oblivion

out of control 

the more i wait

the less likely

dig in and do something

ring the bell and 

make the earth sing

a resonance that carries on

long after the friction is applied

this life echoes

put it up to your ear and 

you can hear your past

selves screaming your name

move man, time is running 

out the door and into tomorrow

you never know until 

you try.

little creature

how do you burn down

the forest explodes

a billion twinkly shadows

shades of green overlapping

and in the middle

the perfect most tiny

elegant little 

flowers bloom in the 

strangest places make you

feel more like yourself

has been searching the same

we just can't quite

find what

never existed except

if you can dream it

stops being real the moment

walking away

down that same path 

is never the same as 

time before 

you moved differently

the wind tasted of a

different seasons

reminding 

renewal is 

even the most fragile

little flower

has deep roots.

soon shall i

there's always more to come
sometimes the next minutes
turn into years and 
i'm 43 now
20 years ago and then some
windblown, rattle trap of
a condemned home 
is still a home
one that you want to 
leaving does't mean
sometimes that's just what comes 
next steps, there's no way round
the building built beneath 
these feet only work walking
forward is the only 
directionless a sea of kelp
floating cities of 
inidivual pieces fall away and 
washed on a shore
misunderstood and discarded
does the sea weap
salty tears covering so many
times our face next to
yours and mine pantomiming
some larger thing happening here
we're wrapped in a 
this is all so distracting
and time is running
are the words harder to form
to find a truth
who ever said there was one
what answer will satisfy
there is none.

i'm a big dumb

monsters under the bed 

haunting me since 

my memories 

of some things they

never faded

worn elbow patched

the wound is still there

now you go into the world

wearing a sort of armor

pierced hearts finding just

the smallest space between these 

ribs like the blinds fluttering

rattled by the atmosphere and 

shaken from some mid morning

the skies are still grey 

but with air so cool and sweet

you know there's light behind

we're all left by

someone will be there after

the fall is around the corner

turned toward which

ever love lasts

i really do still believe that

they can change the world

the words a window

representing some deeper 

understanding

longing, dying to live

and be loved

for exactly

yes, accept this 

for what I am, i am

healthy or sick the 

truth of 

is there anything left to

just say it

comes into this world and disappears into 

an ether of experience

unbothered, mute

to the immensity we

feel this thing

but the trees don't 

fucking child to be so

still caught in 

this loop of 

self-denial

hoping that 

you were born anything

other

I'm just sitting here

and watching 

the leaves sway and 

dancing in the wind

soon

shall i

be.