we are

in this place
where all the conversations
needing to communicate
and I'm out here
floating in space
between us isn't so very
big as it seems

a change to be made
just as choices, we make
our future
doesn't have to go just one way

You may never read this.

cold sunlight of the morning

The first and 

last thought

of every day is of you;

Last words, what - understanding did we reach

in the foyer

Does this mean

the end is actually here

& I’m just not

Seeing or feeling or being

(in the same place); @ an end

must it be?

It’s overwhelming; these

Feelings, I can’t change

Having the wisdom to know

One from the other;

Patience a virtue, but not one

of mine, at least,

I know what I can and can’t

Control, an issue

The problem.

I can’t change nor

control how I

Ache in your absence.

do you do this

Rising and falling

My thoughts are usually

Of you

I am enraptured

Madly and deeply

Still

In my heart; in a place

As I’ve been since first feeling

And knowing that

These hands held

Embracing in the dusk

Failing light of a perfect day

The fluttering by

Of a moment

That forever changed

Everything

In my life is before and since

Meeting you

Until

I woke, searching

exploring the the recessed

Finding fog clearing, even in the darkness

And a clarifying, no, this is real

You are in this place

Time will tell

And nothing else, until  

need/want/ont-

Spending the day

Alone with the shadows

Of others and history

On the screen and in the sunshine

Passed before me, some

Crossing paths

I can feel the glance and I'm

Afraid to meet

Those feelings or these choices

I'm unwilling or unable to

Make something positive of this

Distance

To grow

Apart(?)

I love you and don't want

To fly away and above into the mist

Alone

But I will

I don't need you

I want us.

We fit.

We share something so deep

That my words don't have any shine

There's nothing clever to say

The feelings are unvarnished

Real
of itself

And I don't want to let go

Or make the decision to move on (apart).

I know I may have to.

faith

she lost her faith

in me, at some point

I'm sure I pushed it to one side

or, being less

severe

Maybe, she thought I was

other than I am

Meant for something more

more than what

is both transparent and opaque

more than trying to live honestly

and openly

and unreservedly embracing the

next morning seeing

But, too, playing a role to support as

thinking was required

other times, failing to see and

it's just the imperfection

of living

I stand, honestly

and unashamed of my trying

it was without reservation

without looking over the present

the person in my presence

I was not, am not

looking for better options

Were the expectations too high

did I, would i

have been better off

no

I have tried, have not always

succeeded

success when it matter most

is hardest

I ache, thinking too much about

what we're losing

for no reason

There's time and space to grow

and not throw away the

side by side, facing the world

knowing the heart beating next

will always be there

yes, ee

Everyone said, ‘I’m sure she’s been true…’

To thine own self

How hard do we try

Or how close do we come

To that hazy future

Imagined, but unable to reach

How much of that inability

Is holding too narrowly to one course

Pursuing nothing more than mirage

As drowning in the waters at our feet

Until submerged and

Starting a new life

We are reinvented

Not so much

Maybe reincarnated

Still a version of the same basic model

Perhaps more knowing or understanding

Always still trying

Or

Does this all mean, I haven’t

Learned

Anything of the world

And myself next to it

Occasionally within it

Comes a time

When choosing is the way

Since feeling is first; yes ee

But after comes the

Will

To do or not

To hold on by letting go

And as we grow to fill the space

Left by absence

Do We become more

Or only, do I?

Does she

Can she

Remember the love we shared

I’m still tending the fire

Letting the embers smolder

I remember the inferno of

The other

i almost wrote you

another of those
long and winding
lost somewhere in the middle
all raw
i get and am; a living
wire, charged with a current
unseen
kinds of letters
never quite falling on ears
able to hear
as they sound coming from these
fingertips

of my own, but
reaching
always seeking
the connection
jury-rigged and duct taped
because the wire's too
hot, even
as we turn toward another
greywinter wind

it always is, will be
even as leaves become
wet earth growing
a green gleaming again

the wire is fed
a source
unstoppable and
of itself
of myself
of our shared
time, here
and there
in a future
as they all are
filled with preambling
butterflies and neverstopping
knowing and wondering
but evermoving
like the heart's beating
and bouncing and living and trying

moving faster than most

i recognize, of myself
not so much what the
mirror reflecting years
and some selfsame idea
of what

I am;
or used to be;
or will become;

glass, given enough time
moves
as nature
as gravity, and the heaviness that I know
weighs down
but just as gravity is given
so is the weight I carry
inside

even ever, the most sunshining happiness
(and it is) because of you
I must always carry the weight of my
nature

of someone else is impossible to know
to fully understand
you try to carry it
but you can't
and I can't; the weight of your
nature

we, each
together, but solitary
must author our own designs
and know our own
natures
and carry them
together

it’s not quite sadness

balanced; teetering on the narrow

unknowing, other than sunrising 

somewherethere above and behind

you really have to look

most mornings

i’m locked in, but

the key is mine;

the lock of my own construction

having agency over this time

and sillyfeeling, this weight that

never gets lighter

like the days sometime do