all the same

i see my reflection
in the black mirror
tired, heavy eyes
aged by indecision
isn’t it really
inaction a warm 
blanket of this middle passage
from some book
or poem
to make it all just right
just keep writing;

a thousand monkeys

on a thousand typewriters

and eventually this comes out

my sides are split open

and pouring 

from every pore

breathing something within

into 

this world we 

find ourselves alone

most mornings before

the haze burns 

often a cool cloudy 

these are the warmest

nearest peace i know 

here is a complicated

only as much as you make it; 

fuck

i dance

and fidget

and anguishing minutes become hours

become months

and years later

how can the hurt be exactly

the experiences pouring in

the hurt pouring out

i need to purge

an immense clarifying

screaming

stop the clock

what has happened

a suspended animation 

product of constant rising and falling

an oscillation 

increasing frequency until 

pull back far enough and 

the parabola flattens

i am a hurt child

unequipped to share

unable to understand

the difference between

normal and not

knowing the difference between

war and peace

within

we never get to the point

there’s never, if you’re paying attention, 

inarticulate adolescent

the angst is better dressed

a parlor trick to distract

the forever truth knowing

our wounds 

won’t heal at the

hands of another 

no matter how warm

basking in the glow of the deepest

real love refuses 

ruled by the quantum ticktocking

of a knowing so deep

space and time 

irrelevant

when a thing is

it just is

bound by no clock

can also mean

bound by no expectations

can also mean

lasting a moment

or written about in a 

thousands of years from now

stardust will know

just as the child

what is

what is not

neither needing nor caring of

why

only seeks to sooth

understanding doesn’t change

is

or is not

doesn’t change 

the rising and falling

is happy

smile

is sad

cry

is both

life

stop trying to fix

how the past hurt

that child lives forever 

is gone and grown

into now 

soon to be gone forever

moving toward some 

carrying our shadows

weigh nothing more than stardust

and memories

and imagined pasts and futures

all the same

the immensity

what is this weight
what is this sour taste
why does the sun not warm me
why can't i shake this shadow
why is every experience muted
what am i doing
why i am here
how long can i delay
what hope is driving this?

tilting at the same old

leaves starved for water

hanging inert in the stolid heart of

the summer sun

forcing retreat 

or am i advancing 

toward some

truths about ourselves

defy explanations

the expectations of others

what did we do then

what does anyone when 

navigating the within and without

& hours hurtling through space

sharing the landscape 

crawling across the horizon 

we feel like flying

tiny creatures humbled 

the immensity

 

what we surround ourselves

with hope and love and honest

opens arms welcoming

the future arrived so quickly

the weight

of love we burrowed into

and digging in the enemy is 

behind our lines lies

a truth in each chest

of drawers we rummage for pieces

this puzzle we’re trying 

to make it always means 

something gnawing a distance

between within and without

knowing that rock and i

am of the same stuff

itself

it still hurts
so many times
each time i disappoint 
you don’t need to learn

there’s no 
right or wrong matters

so much less

peace seeks one thing, only
let it be

exactly as you are
exactly as i am

wearing my past 
hurts

it just hurts
i hurt

all i want 
to be.

 
accept this 
whole big stupid
temporary
fleeting
existence
as it 
is.

maybe i need to lead

by example 

i do have some

revelations come 

a hint of light

hazy in the distant dark

realizing your eyes are adjusting

given enough time

suddenly in the stillness

a great clanging alarm

there is never enough time

a universe moving within

a swirling forever of 

how to live one life

inside and out

panic arising and 

then we paste over and 

distraction acknowledges 

you are distracted from some thing

sometimes running in place and 

heart thumping

why don’t these legs work

(they do)

what then

where’s the fault in the

we each a system

an automaton hiding the millions 

of little selves 

fight for supremacy

a zero sum game

no matter which lasts 

longest

still isn’t forever

isn’t forever still(?)

have seen a better version

to push and pull in the same direction

no more Cheshire smiles

frown and cry and yell and laugh

each in turn

as they arise

and arms wide

accept it all.

stop aiming

anything other than itself 

is not itself.

some of me

some days they come

pouring out of me
in such a deluge that every
surface reflection turning
into an opportunity 
a need 

my words always more than

my life

at least

how should I live it
disjointed and shamblebodied?
do you remember that
was I ever that?

the words always only 

trying to lead this life

by turn i deny

every instinct

escapes but shrouded 

i’ve gotten good at

always have been

hide in plain sight

the words on the page

sometimes it doesn’t take too much

reading between the lines 

growing from some unknown 

originally the intention

what was it?

again?

the same as before?

a parable paraboling across

a million words

sampling of

some ideas

some thoughts

some feelings

some of me

I cannot say.

do they matter

do they do any good
are my words worth anything to
a heart breaking
a soul straining under
the inescable truth of the 
oxygen in and out 
of these bodies they
are real flesh and blood and
words are only flashing 
indicators of unseen 
worlds within the flesh
unable to manifest
the wiring crossed, or corroded, 
or energized with a current
is too weak or too strong
limping along or blowing the breakers
of so many waves arriving
you forget it’s of all the same
ocean of living
is only ever going to be immeditate
caught in a rip tide
the current unapologetic
the other creatures buoyed by
however they are built
for this moment
some require surrender
to survive.

i have failed

at so much
i wish i hadn’t
if i could go back
time travelers,

what would you change?

is the truth of now 

in that reflection

of the past

(it is.)

I wouldn’t change much

but each 

erasing today

an impossible dream

open your eyes and surrounded

the light of this day

arrives here only once

(some nights last for years)

what’s the truth

of the past

of those things 

regret

those things

could’ve happened, 

no.

other ways

are always possible

in your mind is a 

trap

logical fallacies 

stories told to oneself

only knows for sure

why are you sitting where you are

today;

is the only possible product of all those

moments

today is and no other

anything was possible

an infinity of alternatives

(i would have done)

 

what’s the difference?

is knowing the difference

those in looking behind

and which 

would you choose the same

a second time around 

we don’t exist except 

for now

i’m beginning to get

accepting how you’ve

(have you)

grown

into a person

closer to accepting

that failing 

some things take 

a lifetime is filled with so many

constantly iterating an existence

toward the same end 

as any other

regrets to share

only that I know

some choices

I would change

others, no

none, possible

today is

all there is.

interstitial

what capacity do I have
let it all run out
sand through the hands of a man
i'm dying of thirst
for some 
the pieces fit together
nothing has ever been easy
streets paved with golden
it's the sunsets of places
mesmerized 
each a character of 
be your own 
own your being
at peace
is war all there is to 
now, at the crossroads

here before me a familiar

how to fucking live this life

a wave of the deepest 

what if anguish and longing

for what might've been

too long, i live in this

twilight

moments most vivid

the interstitial consciousness of

it's all gotten too much, too complicated

matters of the heart

i am a fucking disaster

the exclusion zone

thousands of desolate acres

in the middle of the irradiated

forest grows on 

impervious to knowing

what harm hangs in the air

the only way to clear

everybody, get out

sides picked and 

waiting in this little clearing

the animals alight and 

then bounding on broken

limbs are strong until they

aren't we, can't we

struggle on forever

peace may be

illusions of lost chances

pangs of an imagined

future worlds crumbling

in nowhere but your own

mind the gap between now and then

before or after

only existing in your mind

what feels tragic

to me

is invisible to the earth

outside of 

you own 

your own

heart and mind and soul

but

acceptance and control 

do not align

as is 

repudiates

should be

denies it, 

absolutely.

so, where then

what then

is left

i am not right, nor

is anyone

everyone 

just is as is

they are

i am.

a single truth

is my folly

hoping to arrive at

something that will 

make it all make sense 

please

all i've ever wanted was answers

something to calm

something to soothe 

something to

help me understand

but, that's just

it's all too big

too close

you're zoomed in and missing the fuller

picture a future

where does it feel right

what's left in this life

in that imagined 

willing yourself to anywhere 

other than here 

in your mind

you can fly away

a butterfly fluttering by

in and out of the shadows on a 

late summer 

afternoon sun beaming 

and we retreat into the shadows

curled on cold stone

find the floor and holding on

until the next setting

of our sun.

flashes of life

are all I have really, 
these fleeting memory moments
in sum adding to a 
life lived not exactly
me, more
a reminder of a version
a character's story unwinding
roads meandering across miles
and years, decades of storylines
eventually converging to a single
spec of time
exists only
i can see it
a sweeping history
narrowing to the faintest, tiniest
a pinprick of light in the moment
exploding into an entropic 
future unknown
scope of this life
is yet incomplete
memories roll and rumble 
connected, one leading to the next
doesn't convey an order
understood by anyone
outside of this body
tells the story:

organic washed out tones and soft shag
see under the table and straining to reach
some salvation as the 
disastrous cacophony
wall shaking
pleading to please 
stop; 

I'm flying
unbound by gravity and incoming
faith leapt toward

salvation cold to the touch and 

covered in coal dust

of memory unsure

which came before; 

that wall

integrated in my mind

a map of previous

wild running

I am hurt, but

i do not hurt

protected by providence

the sky opened and 

sustaining life, but oil slicked

roads and drink and speed

and careening for exactly 

me, but 

I remember how the body

crumbled and 

fractured fiberglass and

shattered glass

and bent metal, 

my body whole and bounding down

to wherever was next; 

so many ghosts

that brick shell standing

we crawl inside

exploring the damp

lives brought into and out of 

this physical world it fought

physics,

the immutable laws

of life in that neighborhood

held us all in the same contempt

just under the surface

realizing which

side of the tracks are you 

standing now

2500 miles away; 

I went at some point

up the mountain

freedom of a sort

air tasting different

kind of alone

surrounded by something

unknown until feeling undeniable

I felt at home;

left behind

up a ribbon of asphalt curving 

my circulatory system alive in those 

green hills rolling less

into the built world

at first all the pieces into place just

so, I was set

in theory only works

becoming second nature to 

is quitting a necessary step to every

there was one;

there was no quitting

some things last

thought i have each 

dreaming of a time and place

and those faces

never downcast in 

memories live forever

eventually happens that

we keep growing

older in some ways and 

younger selves imagining a future

filled with what 

i wonder how near or far

today is from yesterday’s

tomorrow;

i can hear the flickering

of the film 

a constant tick ticking

becoming a muted organic flutter

in this heart and belly

the memories on a screen

watching the characters

so familiar

what stories are they going

tell me your wisdom

is learning from the past

lives trapped behind a screen

and safely distant from

what an exceptional 

who was that kid?

I can picture you

balanced, beaming smile 

and those glowing warm eyes

unencumbered by what waits

the future is her home

what kind of gifts are 

the lessons unlearned by them

so that we know their shape 

a silhouette of what should’ve 

i’ve been there

or near there

your there is yours and mine is mine.

 aches just the same, but different

shadows are hard

what casts those 

borders of light and dark

your eyes adjust eventually

you don’t even realize

the difference between light

shadows only exist 

in each, sometimes more comfortable 

we don’t really choose

the heavens move of their own

what accord

is there harmony to be had

does the resonance become

less trill closer

nearer to thee I cannot 

hear the droning

thrumming of an eternity’s

past, present, and future

until

we flip a switch

and finally, 

the show’s beginning

lights and life flickering into 

something was no longer 

is 

this a story i’ve 

lived before?

pretend

you said,
sometimes are perfect
we roll in the tide of just
living limited times
what’s left over after so many
leaping over the edge
rises how many feet
dangling in the ocean
of sky blue, below
or is it above
the inky darkness of
unknowing is as likely as
unliving;

there is no undoing

it continues to unravel

or maybe, we unspool

a wondrous tangle of the 

most brilliant colors

you feel as much as

can you even see them anymore

has it all gone bluegreygreen again

is impossible

home is never a place to go

back to front I’m never sure

which direction to pull out

of this spinning earth

and the glance of a forever

some are

just that, knowing acceptance of

understanding

the golden glow of late afternoon

and late summer

in this transition the same

hearts, but

each beat knowing the countless previous

as only

necessary memory; the pathway

to nowhere, but 

here a monolith

weathering and sunfading

warm thoughts in places so often

hiding from the solar 

storms exchanged for 

familiar blankets hold us

warm and safe no matter how

worn