Spinning Plates

Well, I decided to dive back into the book. Yes, going to finish the damn thing off. Stay tuned for new excerpts, and maybe even some old ones I am not ashamed of.

Too afraid to sleep

Too afraid to sleep
Afraid of the monster waiting
In the morning
She comes and forces me
Away from where I want
To be

Too afraid to sleep
And wake to find
Another day full
Of something I should’ve
Done for now

Too afraid to sleep
I want to drink this in
Before
I can’t do this
Anymore

Too afraid to sleep
I might miss something
Between now and then
I might
Dying wouldn’t be that
Bad
Would it be hell or
Somewhere else completely

Too afraid to sleep
She’s waiting in the morning
Just over where I can’t see
That horrible feeling
Of unanswered
Questioning everything
Just flies straight through the
Middle of me
Trying to
Hold everyone and catch everything

Too afraid to sleep
Now, forever

They were there once. (I remember)

I was just browsing my old site and rereading my stuff. It fills me with wanting to be there, drowing in the cold creakingice apartment on Main St. I was miserable but since then writing has been so good to me. Even months and months, even now years, all I have put to page owes something to those 4am nights, with the headphones on and wondering if tomorrow I will be homeless and completely alone. I'm not, so some things are never all bad.

This is what I am talking about:


I've died

in my sleep it comes to me
that irresistible pressure forcing out the air
even then it's nothing
more than
watching it happen to someone else
we can't escape this
time, eternity...on and on forever (amen)

What will come over that horizon?
tomorrow is a new day, or not
it comes sharp with the light piercing
clarity
It will happen again
whatever that is
just once I'd like to die and wake
after eternity went to sleep...

<7 .7.03="">

Death Announcements and Funerals

Sorry about all the morbid business in the title. Is just what I am listening to at the moment.

November, shit. The semester's end in sight, am I actually doing it this time, to finish and accomplish? Looks that way, getting there, one foot in front of the other. Thesis meeting tomorrow, the first real 'thesis' meeting. My paper for this semester nearing complete, will be my introduction/Thesis proposal. Now only to finish, what I started too long ago.

My mom is out of jail and I am relieved, worried, and feeling a little more than useless. I want to run in and save the day, to make her head normal and fix all the problems. I should know better, I should know that if I can barely keep myself above water there's no use in trying to save anyone else. Anyway.

It's so grey outside

And I'm afraid to get out of bed
Mom called today, she's been released
again, just kicked out of doors
not sure where she's supposed to go
how'd she get out
was it a mistake, is this going to be
more trouble
my aunt
suggested

me the guardian of my mother
how horrible a thought
at least this soon, this early
I am barely above ground
sinking and pulling up
short of what I need and what I want
anyway.
It's so grey outside

and I don't want to leave my house
and sit with those fucking people
and learn about numbers
and how we can manipulate them
to make what we want from
them
I want to sit here
and listen to the music that you all
make so much fun
beautiful grey November music
without words
because they just get in the way

Growth all around

This is where I will post all those too confused, angry, silly things. Stay tuned.