to love

and, be loved
is all I’ve ever really felt
important in this world
impermanent and fleeting as we are
this may be the greatness
of which i am
capable

ode to joy

a surging and
undeniable
filling with joy
in your presence
seeing you
are beautiful
and I
am still in love
endures
and
my heart
is alight

3,384 days

a name and
feeling born in the depth
of that winter before we
met

and here I am, still
awake in the dark
the sun soon to rise
and writing and thinking
of you

in silence
drinking my coffee and listening
to the tap tapping of these keys
and the seconds
ticking by
reminding me

of what I'm unsure
if it were a choice
it would be untrue
it is no choice
it just is
I love you
still wrestling with being
ok

I am, I think.
it's life led and not dwelling on the things
that; the thing that
(this distance)
I cannot control
just as I love
it just is
and we live with it
and the clock ticks
unknowing, oblivious
but reminding
there's still life to be lived
and indeed the world is alive
and
awake before the sun
as am I.

no matter what else

I do
going far or near
in silence or wind roaring
down the road
I return
to you

I hope to share the world.

With you.

Live in my heart
a wellspring fed by unknowable source
so deep it runs in the longest drought
it overruns too
(and that's hard to handle, I know)

damnit; I miss you so much.

just needing to say it
because I can't say it
because if giving in to the instinct
to hold on so tight
I may suffocate
the hope of
a future still
unwritten

it's screaming in me
the moment I fall
and rise the next
there you are

I am in love.

absolutely.

irreconcilably.

have been.

for now 9

years.

lean into it

Entering a new phase

unlike the last time

In my youth, when

passing from loss to acceptance

to

I’m better off

Because this isn’t that.

This is enduring-

And here 

I lean in

To the truth

Of my love

For you.

And believing, yes, still

as weary as any my age

Not cynical

But knowing

I believe

in the power

of truth

& of love

& that each

Are worth defending.

And if they were false

as any falsity, would become

Exposed

and fade in the light of

Truth

But this doesn’t fade.

I am alive in this truth.

& I lean into the

eyes closed

feeling and seeing through lids held tight

It is so bright.

Even as cold air and snow crunches under foot

Even as tulips break through the surface

Sacrificing themselves to the deep freeze-

They tell us:

It’s only for a while

We will bloom

As the warmth

Wins out

it's different

with you, 

even if some of the words aren't

enough to draw a feeling

transcendent; words fail

(mine do)

the immensity of this

(we have)

a wellspring deeper than

deep

description fails

it's a thing felt;

lived

&knowing

that love is universal; that we are

capable of

this universe of knowing

the other unlike any

other

but, this thing

to knowthe other

as one knows the self

and to love that selfsame other

is more than words

is every metaphor

is the grandeur and terror and risk

of existing

2/19/19 5.09a

I woke up and

Everything was wrong

Living in some empty

Nightmare world

Where I have everything

And nothing

we are

in this place
where all the conversations
needing to communicate
and I'm out here
floating in space
between us isn't so very
big as it seems

a change to be made
just as choices, we make
our future
doesn't have to go just one way

You may never read this.

cold sunlight of the morning

The first and 

last thought

of every day is of you;

Last words, what - understanding did we reach

in the foyer

Does this mean

the end is actually here

& I’m just not

Seeing or feeling or being

(in the same place); @ an end

must it be?

It’s overwhelming; these

Feelings, I can’t change

Having the wisdom to know

One from the other;

Patience a virtue, but not one

of mine, at least,

I know what I can and can’t

Control, an issue

The problem.

I can’t change nor

control how I

Ache in your absence.

do you do this

Rising and falling

My thoughts are usually

Of you

I am enraptured

Madly and deeply

Still

In my heart; in a place

As I’ve been since first feeling

And knowing that

These hands held

Embracing in the dusk

Failing light of a perfect day

The fluttering by

Of a moment

That forever changed

Everything

In my life is before and since

Meeting you

Until

I woke, searching

exploring the the recessed

Finding fog clearing, even in the darkness

And a clarifying, no, this is real

You are in this place

Time will tell

And nothing else, until  

need/want/ont-

Spending the day

Alone with the shadows

Of others and history

On the screen and in the sunshine

Passed before me, some

Crossing paths

I can feel the glance and I'm

Afraid to meet

Those feelings or these choices

I'm unwilling or unable to

Make something positive of this

Distance

To grow

Apart(?)

I love you and don't want

To fly away and above into the mist

Alone

But I will

I don't need you

I want us.

We fit.

We share something so deep

That my words don't have any shine

There's nothing clever to say

The feelings are unvarnished

Real
of itself

And I don't want to let go

Or make the decision to move on (apart).

I know I may have to.

faith

she lost her faith

in me, at some point

I'm sure I pushed it to one side

or, being less

severe

Maybe, she thought I was

other than I am

Meant for something more

more than what

is both transparent and opaque

more than trying to live honestly

and openly

and unreservedly embracing the

next morning seeing

But, too, playing a role to support as

thinking was required

other times, failing to see and

it's just the imperfection

of living

I stand, honestly

and unashamed of my trying

it was without reservation

without looking over the present

the person in my presence

I was not, am not

looking for better options

Were the expectations too high

did I, would i

have been better off

no

I have tried, have not always

succeeded

success when it matter most

is hardest

I ache, thinking too much about

what we're losing

for no reason

There's time and space to grow

and not throw away the

side by side, facing the world

knowing the heart beating next

will always be there

yes, ee

Everyone said, ‘I’m sure she’s been true…’

To thine own self

How hard do we try

Or how close do we come

To that hazy future

Imagined, but unable to reach

How much of that inability

Is holding too narrowly to one course

Pursuing nothing more than mirage

As drowning in the waters at our feet

Until submerged and

Starting a new life

We are reinvented

Not so much

Maybe reincarnated

Still a version of the same basic model

Perhaps more knowing or understanding

Always still trying

Or

Does this all mean, I haven’t

Learned

Anything of the world

And myself next to it

Occasionally within it

Comes a time

When choosing is the way

Since feeling is first; yes ee

But after comes the

Will

To do or not

To hold on by letting go

And as we grow to fill the space

Left by absence

Do We become more

Or only, do I?

Does she

Can she

Remember the love we shared

I’m still tending the fire

Letting the embers smolder

I remember the inferno of

The other