this will pass

we wanted the other to be the answer
a desperate wanting longing empty ache
there since we were the smallest 
memories of parents unable or unwilling

(we started the race with our laces tied together)

every relationship i've broken has been
different versions of the same story

(when will we learn)

there's time left to find a way, what's missing, where we need
mostly the work has to happen alone

(we're too ready to love)

patching over the holes with thinnest veneer
it wears each day until
the only way up is to tear it down 

framing exposed and seeing the whole thing
built in a haste by hands and hearts too distracted, too inexperienced, too lost

(they were so much younger than we are now)

fear fills the empty spaces

you wear this mask of invincibility, of freedom, of joy

the world, filled with those who love, who look 

to you, in you, they see a person, a way, an ideal

(oh, how I wish I were so free)

i see through the mask and love what it hides

we are messy things

arranged by the stars

perfect machines of flesh and bones, and feelings, and thoughts, and dreams

you have them, honor them

(when do we grow up and stop dreaming)

the doubt so deep into you

i think i know where

it all started before you had a chance to defend yourself

the light you shine into the world

what pours out of you is you

don't suppress it, or subvert it, or believe any less 

(you are a wonder)

i am not absolved

i did believe

i do not regret

that a trail ends alone and deeper in the forest than before

only means that you have the chance to find a way out

to slip into and become a part of the wherever and whatever

(you find yourself)

i know how much it hurts

you are not lost, you are not alone, you are not left

behind us are the voices

the earliest memories

love me, protect me, save me, hold me, want me, keep me warm

(they are not lies)

maybe in the wiring we can see how it falls

there's a part of me that will hold on forever

sadness is normal 

this gave so much

always more than the cost

(how much life can we fit into life)

there's joy in my heart

you put something back

together we float in the world

the updraft taking us and no better hand to hold

maybe the lasting beauty is that it doesn't

(nothing does, we know)

maybe forever as long as blood, red, and warm beats, can be found

we've both been sure

(did we have it before)

rolling over and grasping at nothing

my presence in relief

an outline of a memory

physical becoming space

am i strong enough to give you what you haven't asked for

air filling the room

breathing into those dusty dark corners

life filling like the most colorful

you there, floating, air in air

(you defy gravity)

we are survivors

a future 

hands held, pushed away

arms outstretched, or grasping in the continuing dark

thriving is a complicated question

(the answer lies within)

our emotions orbit this monster in relief

our foundations were chaos, absence, fear, uncertainty

deny, divert, cast the spotlight into my doubting self

the desire to master consumes our presence

it can't be defeated

(don't look away)

embrace all those parts of life that most frighten

i tell myself this and instead i sit here and write 

howling into the electronic ether a song that you may never read

(i hope you do)

and i hope one day you look behind 

see me however

do you see me

how do i look to you

what kind of creature do you construct in your mind

what fluttering in your heart rises when you think

how visceral does anything feel at this point

(are we numb)

there’s little new ground to explore, every blade of grass i've already named and can draw

my mind floods with memories and increasing understanding

few hidden corners of this interior world left unexplored

why doesn’t seem to matter as much

(how do we live inside and out)

the warmth of the sun i do cherish

under its constant glaring 

this damaged armor grown

it burns all the time

(i'm too sensitive)

did you mean what you said

any of the times

probably all of the times

maybe that's the truth

you manifest chaos and disorder into 

headlong life and pretending to not give a fuck

the universe doesn't protect any of us more than the others

(we're in this together)

time's running out

square to the fallacy

our ship is probably already sunk

on that bench 

all i wanted was connection

(to be seen by you)

you saw pain

pain isn't the only story

a love so incredible 

it wasn't possibly true

(i believed)

above me

a ten foot tall glowing

i saw beauty

more than 5 feet could ever

more than one place could ever

could i ever see anything else

(we were quickly loveblind)

have you ever been in a whiteout 

a thunderstorm so heavy 

i pedaled and screamed and the sky exploded

cacophony and blurring at the edges

peripheral lighting flashing 

green gauze illuminated 

soaked to the core and shivering

hair matted and no warning

bang! 

the sky surrenders

releasing and underneath that rage 

(i was there)

what refuge appears in your dark eyes

which places, which persons, which you

do you know it

can you imagine or understand it

when i talk about peace

(i am raw vigilance)

reaching shelter doesn't make the storm go away

i was alive and calm and safe

the terror into awe and waiting 

in timeless awareness, present

those moments become

i am built of memories

(a moment made flesh)

no martyr, no saint, no villain, no plan

the grandest of them still end the same way

does it have to be

if we could just work it out

what would it take to realign 

pass through time and space

again parallel lines

so near as to appear a single

point in space

that's what all lines are

perspective is a funny thing

(you can wake with eyes closed)

this won't make it any better

easier to hear

lighter to carry

quicker to live through

(i see your strength and your fragility)

our limits further beyond 

most people carry at least 16 

we're tangled in a great knot

all dichotomies (except one) are false

no one is weak or strong

we're all everything

(all at once)

which of those inside have you squelched

try to silence any

they'll come back louder and demand

nobody can hide forever what they are

(what if i don't know what i am)

make & be art

you are to shine light

let whomever and whichever wants

the spotlight and i lose my nerve

(the audience so near)

i've hidden my empathy thinking it made me stronger

a lie exposed baring truth

a thousand volt live nerve

emotion becomes physical presence

the room shrinks

he locks the door and says

(look how you hurt her)

i come home 

showering the day just done

my mind wakes again

5am start to another

sun drenched days 

happy endings and everything should

we could be anything

we choose to be objects

hoping to become flesh

let the lava flow

the stream and stone a furnace without beginning nor end

(does it have to end in flames)

burning cheeks sunken stomach churning shame

too much that i’ve felt this 

product of wanting

(please approve of me)

radical acceptance is a necessity

my wounds bleed over every 

correction betraying an expectation unmet

a vine growing to resent it's own existence

crawling away from it's source

consuming whatever it can cling to

(the roots die when we stop watering them)

it’s possible to accept completely

(let go)

she saw me

(& let go)

there was nothing i could do

was being asked nothing

loss transmuted

into understanding

(forget what you want)

i can only see from these eyes

feel from this heart

a little calloused; beaten too hard, too fast, too ragged

it’s always been so raw

this living and dying thing

this breathing and loving thing

i am no mute, empty, flat, stolid

inscrutable, maybe 

from understanding, outside

to me, i know

(i wear armor)

there’s always ways through

a glance

you see me

(i am not alone)

 

some walls never fall

some have xray eyes

some can leap the highest barriers

some float above and don't even know there was a wall at all

some walls were built before we had a choice

(how much you do you know)

can you find your own center

what’s it like in there

are you happy in there

is there an echo

is there an ache

are you freezing

are you burning

how long did it take to find the center

who do you tell

what do you do

how do you get out

(what’s the point)

balance is maintained in our inner

do you hear the ocean 

put the shell to your ear and close your eyes

you're there no matter where

echoes of the life that used to live 

a hollowed out and sunken self

my eyes are always tired now

(i don't know where to go)

i turn inward

toward the dawn

i steal the small hours

like clockwork

the failing furry body keeping me company

i'm awake in the dark and basked in this glowing ember

he's unwell again

bad days are gaining on good

the faintest bluegrey background outlining wispy black

leaves of paper falling soon in that other place

the dying of the light

diffuse and sun streaked through a billion black branches

 

(fall we must before spring)

what does the road look like

i've pictured it

desert, plains, green, trees

(corn so tall this time of year)

more trees

hills and humidity rising

into mountains

into memory

the immensity of this earth and i amongst the fields

just another thing grown

(the cull comes for each)

there is no mania

the rising and falling 

nothing more than the tremors

an internal seismology 

the instrumentation indecipherable 

an internal universe unmeasured

just a frog in a boiling pot

occasionally the awareness dawns 

i have to jump

(the heat is always there)

together, we could live forever

do you really believe that

everyone needs a time out,

i am in this sadness 

past the apex of a turn too deep

(just waiting for the impact)

 

sailing blind and knowing 

the inky black waters 

however you imagine the present and future

we both know there's more below the surface than above

(are all martyrs true to the end)

some things

some people

some ideas 

are more than belief 

(they are truth)

here we are

what is our truth

are we living it

have we subverted it

denied it

is it really this complicated

with this much joy &

(does it have to hurt like this)

can the impossible be true

what's the difference between

(our deepest needs want)

whatever truth

we don't control

we can't control

some things just are

(our choice is simple)

you have tried so hard

you have been unwilling, unable, or defiant

(as have i)

belief in a middle ground

it's a canyon between the rims

can you fly without wings

i can see you on the other side

this rock on which we stand

with enough time and force

even the earth gives way

pieces crumble, are washed away 

or rebuilt 

(in turn, as necessary)

there's no miracle

only choice

do you love me

more or less 

every day dawns 

thinking of the last hours, minutes, moments

how long have we been here already

we can't survive it

(none of us do)

find the moment and live in the window breeze

cooling and always there to remind 

i know the difference between tragedy and

this enormous hurt

to look you into you

(we don't have to be this way)

i understand the damage done

you're past hurt 

now something inside wants

hurting back may feel powerful 

these moments pass

emptiness fills the space

another dark fog rolling in off the the shore

moored to this place because i've refused

the truth is 

(i love you)

(i have to go)

(this will pass)

walking home

waking before the alarm
still in the dark
but clarity
'remember this'
i dreamt of walking home

it was never a home 
i knew though where i was 
coming from some far off place before the 
lights turn on and reality

sit in this moment
and feel whatever it feels
don't
denial doesn't actually change 
you are whatever you 

such a tender feeling now
and I see you
smaller in the distant 
mirror reflecting the shimmering heat

the city recedes behind scrubby hills
rise and descending into that great
sandy plain 
an expanse of rock and dust
the occasional green hue holding 

faster and faster across this 
open the windows and feel the 
hot air amounting to 
best intentions are fucking nothing

what do all these dreams mean

you know exactly

it's not even avoiding 

the truth permeates the 

everything of living the last

one more time and 

finally the

we are at the mercy and 

the gratitude for 

a universe circling around countless others

and we 

the same a 

speck of

this sounds familiar and

there are no answers.

two days

the sadness of another
isolated grey morning dawning
realization that today is no
further down the road than 
yesterday i was one day younger
versions of myself never imagined
being where i am today; 

I really do love you

are probably better cutting ties

with the creature behind the keyboard

helps keep a distance between whatever

self-ish or self-less

it doesn't matter 

both see the world from a 

I can only imagine the tenuous

feeling shaky and when's the 

penny dropped for me

flashing on the screen

"I love you"

there was no fury

there was resolve

i am not going to let this end

all things do

as they, and we

and the trees and the sky 

and the birds in it

impermanent

it's just a matter of perspective

I have just that

it's not just imagining

I know exactly how it feels to hold a thing

together we 

holding on, battling on

hope against the hopeless

can you surrender to 

i dreamt the most horrible 

i'm so sorry

not for loving you 

will remain with me forever

arrives whether we want it to or not

i fear death as much as 

anyone still wanting

to lead a particular 

this life has not been bad

i've been lucky

I've known beauty.

and whatever is the absence

i've felt

it arises in me without warning and 

like a spooked animal

the instinct is to run

away from the dark feelings

won't go away

but, they don't need to

welcome them, accept them

remove their power stares directly

the sun in my  

eyes closed and seeing the

opaque reminder that within

still beating, this heart

through feast and fallow

storm and calm

an anxious ceasefire in the small hours

slip through, pass by and 

gone forever

I don't want to be another ghost

nor to know another

life will always be with me

as i hope you will be

in perfect balance we teeter on this 

crest of the western mountain 

views into an ocean of clouds

hard to tell the haze from the shimmer

sea holds me mute

a pebble within

and as distant as any other

sharing an origin

the pebble, I, and the ocean

a recognition of the truth

of any life 

even where there is no life

in those trees though

they fucking breathe and fill

my deepest emptiness with

something never quite put to words

miss the point

I'm trying to say 

in the deepest forest of my 

memories are lies, unintentional

avoid the details

remember how to feel

feel to know which point on the map 

drawn from memory and ignoring the side roads 

backtracking from the rim of this 

canyons are earth in relief

the memory of this planet's past

lives are the same

i have changed

the course you choose

to ignore or reckon with

the reality is that

this is what I believe

in yourself accept the 

worse in every way, I'm

not quite free falling

not too late to self-arrest before

the great yawning ocean of air

i'm sliding toward oblivion

out of control 

the more i wait

the less likely

dig in and do something

ring the bell and 

make the earth sing

a resonance that carries on

long after the friction is applied

this life echoes

put it up to your ear and 

you can hear your past

selves screaming your name

move man, time is running 

out the door and into tomorrow

you never know until 

you try.

little creature

how do you burn down

the forest explodes

a billion twinkly shadows

shades of green overlapping

and in the middle

the perfect most tiny

elegant little 

flowers bloom in the 

strangest places make you

feel more like yourself

has been searching the same

we just can't quite

find what

never existed except

if you can dream it

stops being real the moment

walking away

down that same path 

is never the same as 

time before 

you moved differently

the wind tasted of a

different seasons

reminding 

renewal is 

even the most fragile

little flower

has deep roots.

soon shall i

there's always more to come
sometimes the next minutes
turn into years and 
i'm 43 now
20 years ago and then some
windblown, rattle trap of
a condemned home 
is still a home
one that you want to 
leaving does't mean
sometimes that's just what comes 
next steps, there's no way round
the building built beneath 
these feet only work walking
forward is the only 
directionless a sea of kelp
floating cities of 
inidivual pieces fall away and 
washed on a shore
misunderstood and discarded
does the sea weap
salty tears covering so many
times our face next to
yours and mine pantomiming
some larger thing happening here
we're wrapped in a 
this is all so distracting
and time is running
are the words harder to form
to find a truth
who ever said there was one
what answer will satisfy
there is none.

i'm a big dumb

monsters under the bed 

haunting me since 

my memories 

of some things they

never faded

worn elbow patched

the wound is still there

now you go into the world

wearing a sort of armor

pierced hearts finding just

the smallest space between these 

ribs like the blinds fluttering

rattled by the atmosphere and 

shaken from some mid morning

the skies are still grey 

but with air so cool and sweet

you know there's light behind

we're all left by

someone will be there after

the fall is around the corner

turned toward which

ever love lasts

i really do still believe that

they can change the world

the words a window

representing some deeper 

understanding

longing, dying to live

and be loved

for exactly

yes, accept this 

for what I am, i am

healthy or sick the 

truth of 

is there anything left to

just say it

comes into this world and disappears into 

an ether of experience

unbothered, mute

to the immensity we

feel this thing

but the trees don't 

fucking child to be so

still caught in 

this loop of 

self-denial

hoping that 

you were born anything

other

I'm just sitting here

and watching 

the leaves sway and 

dancing in the wind

soon

shall i

be.

maybe if i keep writing

eventually the answers will
fall out from this one may
irradiate my heart 
once and for all I sink
into the art
to living a life
some of the folks down
here things have turned 
however they do, they did
going back isn't an option
on the future is always a gamble
with hearts, the house holds
the secret we all know
time runs out and you'll never
waiting is suffering;

every single day undistracted or unplanned

there is no plan

for which ending

or is it a beginning

you must understand that they

two pieces of the same 

get close enough and every circle

a straight line between then

now I lost my way

and a new light rising on a new 

line of sight vanishing 

in a pinpoint of clarity

clarifying only that there is nothing

solid in the core of anybody

but the earth made us

returning to it sooner than ever

hoping for a reprieve that never

mind the darkest bits and 

what shines in the distance never

dullest thud of wind

knocked from my sails and drifting

a languid surface hanging lifeless air

and under the sea you know

a world beyond imagining

is all we got to get 

past a point where letting go

seems possible if only

strength comes from the 

moments that you remember after 

everything still makes me 

it's a kind of happiness

like for someone else

that was you, is that possible

more than you ever dreamed

a domain of fear

the darkened eyelids hinting at 

an inner life twisted and 

i've never been good at tying knots

are they scars on those trees

mending in acquiescence to forces

you only see them in relief

a shadow of past 

the wind howled this way

so i bent down and let the shore

drifting down a river whose

terminus 

this isn't the end of of the line

maybe nothing more than a junction

one of so many little dots on this

could you chart your life

what story do you tell of 

is the articulation accurate and enough

to sustain you toward the next

the map point yet filled 

you've gone over the edge of the paper

it doesn't matter

the walls filled with memories

writing on any available surface

to catch the water as it pours out of the base

a sieve leaking and making a mess

better than bursting

you can't stick the balloon back together

it's best to ride the current higher and higher

hope is at best

we drift gently toward

some warm field, green and sweetly

humid rustling on a quiet save

the bees buzzing about

this business of 

biology won't be bettered

there's nothing to overcome

with me and we'll 

walking together for while

the sun sets eventually

to rise again

and whose hand then

are you holding?

it always matters

what am i supposed to do
nothing will happen unless

what if

maybe

could be

i’m not sure

signs are all around

not even signs, but glaring

directly, openly 

and yet, and yet

your tears well up, you balk

why is that

what truth are you seeking

what don’t you already know

maybe the unknowing is any future

course charted easy to see on this

heading in a different direction 

you’re choosing to fly into the cloud

which way is up, how close are the mountains

i had the worst dream last night

terror and pleading to please don’t

be responsible and accept 

that whatever happens next

on the page, you’re the one with the pen

ink to paper and suddenly

as if we’re all a little magic

idea becomes reality

it has been a hazy dreaming maybe 

half and half living

half measures eventually give way

through the valley the water must rush

gravity’s invisible hand, relentless and 

inescapable the ending of 

all stories like ours 

is the same as any before or yet

&yet &yet

there’s a light of hoping against

the deluge may be diverted

it doesn’t have to turn out 

the same essential life

forcing through the years

forging a path uncut

purposely going left when all else is right

in these lives

we are representative of 

the species has a knack for stacking the deck

against myself the odds aren’t

hope is greater than despair

nothing is ever that 

the world won’t end

until we end

and by then

it won’t matter.

all the same

i see my reflection
in the black mirror
tired, heavy eyes
aged by indecision
isn’t it really
inaction a warm 
blanket of this middle passage
from some book
or poem
to make it all just right
just keep writing;

a thousand monkeys

on a thousand typewriters

and eventually this comes out

my sides are split open

and pouring 

from every pore

breathing something within

into 

this world we 

find ourselves alone

most mornings before

the haze burns 

often a cool cloudy 

these are the warmest

nearest peace i know 

here is a complicated

only as much as you make it; 

fuck

i dance

and fidget

and anguishing minutes become hours

become months

and years later

how can the hurt be exactly

the experiences pouring in

the hurt pouring out

i need to purge

an immense clarifying

screaming

stop the clock

what has happened

a suspended animation 

product of constant rising and falling

an oscillation 

increasing frequency until 

pull back far enough and 

the parabola flattens

i am a hurt child

unequipped to share

unable to understand

the difference between

normal and not

knowing the difference between

war and peace

within

we never get to the point

there’s never, if you’re paying attention, 

inarticulate adolescent

the angst is better dressed

a parlor trick to distract

the forever truth knowing

our wounds 

won’t heal at the

hands of another 

no matter how warm

basking in the glow of the deepest

real love refuses 

ruled by the quantum ticktocking

of a knowing so deep

space and time 

irrelevant

when a thing is

it just is

bound by no clock

can also mean

bound by no expectations

can also mean

lasting a moment

or written about in a 

thousands of years from now

stardust will know

just as the child

what is

what is not

neither needing nor caring of

why

only seeks to sooth

understanding doesn’t change

is

or is not

doesn’t change 

the rising and falling

is happy

smile

is sad

cry

is both

life

stop trying to fix

how the past hurt

that child lives forever 

is gone and grown

into now 

soon to be gone forever

moving toward some 

carrying our shadows

weigh nothing more than stardust

and memories

and imagined pasts and futures

all the same

the immensity

what is this weight
what is this sour taste
why does the sun not warm me
why can't i shake this shadow
why is every experience muted
what am i doing
why i am here
how long can i delay
what hope is driving this?

tilting at the same old

leaves starved for water

hanging inert in the stolid heart of

the summer sun

forcing retreat 

or am i advancing 

toward some

truths about ourselves

defy explanations

the expectations of others

what did we do then

what does anyone when 

navigating the within and without

& hours hurtling through space

sharing the landscape 

crawling across the horizon 

we feel like flying

tiny creatures humbled 

the immensity

 

what we surround ourselves

with hope and love and honest

opens arms welcoming

the future arrived so quickly

the weight

of love we burrowed into

and digging in the enemy is 

behind our lines lies

a truth in each chest

of drawers we rummage for pieces

this puzzle we’re trying 

to make it always means 

something gnawing a distance

between within and without

knowing that rock and i

am of the same stuff

itself

it still hurts
so many times
each time i disappoint 
you don’t need to learn

there’s no 
right or wrong matters

so much less

peace seeks one thing, only
let it be

exactly as you are
exactly as i am

wearing my past 
hurts

it just hurts
i hurt

all i want 
to be.

 
accept this 
whole big stupid
temporary
fleeting
existence
as it 
is.

maybe i need to lead

by example 

i do have some

revelations come 

a hint of light

hazy in the distant dark

realizing your eyes are adjusting

given enough time

suddenly in the stillness

a great clanging alarm

there is never enough time

a universe moving within

a swirling forever of 

how to live one life

inside and out

panic arising and 

then we paste over and 

distraction acknowledges 

you are distracted from some thing

sometimes running in place and 

heart thumping

why don’t these legs work

(they do)

what then

where’s the fault in the

we each a system

an automaton hiding the millions 

of little selves 

fight for supremacy

a zero sum game

no matter which lasts 

longest

still isn’t forever

isn’t forever still(?)

have seen a better version

to push and pull in the same direction

no more Cheshire smiles

frown and cry and yell and laugh

each in turn

as they arise

and arms wide

accept it all.

stop aiming

anything other than itself 

is not itself.

some of me

some days they come

pouring out of me
in such a deluge that every
surface reflection turning
into an opportunity 
a need 

my words always more than

my life

at least

how should I live it
disjointed and shamblebodied?
do you remember that
was I ever that?

the words always only 

trying to lead this life

by turn i deny

every instinct

escapes but shrouded 

i’ve gotten good at

always have been

hide in plain sight

the words on the page

sometimes it doesn’t take too much

reading between the lines 

growing from some unknown 

originally the intention

what was it?

again?

the same as before?

a parable paraboling across

a million words

sampling of

some ideas

some thoughts

some feelings

some of me

I cannot say.

do they matter

do they do any good
are my words worth anything to
a heart breaking
a soul straining under
the inescable truth of the 
oxygen in and out 
of these bodies they
are real flesh and blood and
words are only flashing 
indicators of unseen 
worlds within the flesh
unable to manifest
the wiring crossed, or corroded, 
or energized with a current
is too weak or too strong
limping along or blowing the breakers
of so many waves arriving
you forget it’s of all the same
ocean of living
is only ever going to be immeditate
caught in a rip tide
the current unapologetic
the other creatures buoyed by
however they are built
for this moment
some require surrender
to survive.

i have failed

at so much
i wish i hadn’t
if i could go back
time travelers,

what would you change?

is the truth of now 

in that reflection

of the past

(it is.)

I wouldn’t change much

but each 

erasing today

an impossible dream

open your eyes and surrounded

the light of this day

arrives here only once

(some nights last for years)

what’s the truth

of the past

of those things 

regret

those things

could’ve happened, 

no.

other ways

are always possible

in your mind is a 

trap

logical fallacies 

stories told to oneself

only knows for sure

why are you sitting where you are

today;

is the only possible product of all those

moments

today is and no other

anything was possible

an infinity of alternatives

(i would have done)

 

what’s the difference?

is knowing the difference

those in looking behind

and which 

would you choose the same

a second time around 

we don’t exist except 

for now

i’m beginning to get

accepting how you’ve

(have you)

grown

into a person

closer to accepting

that failing 

some things take 

a lifetime is filled with so many

constantly iterating an existence

toward the same end 

as any other

regrets to share

only that I know

some choices

I would change

others, no

none, possible

today is

all there is.

interstitial

what capacity do I have
let it all run out
sand through the hands of a man
i'm dying of thirst
for some 
the pieces fit together
nothing has ever been easy
streets paved with golden
it's the sunsets of places
mesmerized 
each a character of 
be your own 
own your being
at peace
is war all there is to 
now, at the crossroads

here before me a familiar

how to fucking live this life

a wave of the deepest 

what if anguish and longing

for what might've been

too long, i live in this

twilight

moments most vivid

the interstitial consciousness of

it's all gotten too much, too complicated

matters of the heart

i am a fucking disaster

the exclusion zone

thousands of desolate acres

in the middle of the irradiated

forest grows on 

impervious to knowing

what harm hangs in the air

the only way to clear

everybody, get out

sides picked and 

waiting in this little clearing

the animals alight and 

then bounding on broken

limbs are strong until they

aren't we, can't we

struggle on forever

peace may be

illusions of lost chances

pangs of an imagined

future worlds crumbling

in nowhere but your own

mind the gap between now and then

before or after

only existing in your mind

what feels tragic

to me

is invisible to the earth

outside of 

you own 

your own

heart and mind and soul

but

acceptance and control 

do not align

as is 

repudiates

should be

denies it, 

absolutely.

so, where then

what then

is left

i am not right, nor

is anyone

everyone 

just is as is

they are

i am.

a single truth

is my folly

hoping to arrive at

something that will 

make it all make sense 

please

all i've ever wanted was answers

something to calm

something to soothe 

something to

help me understand

but, that's just

it's all too big

too close

you're zoomed in and missing the fuller

picture a future

where does it feel right

what's left in this life

in that imagined 

willing yourself to anywhere 

other than here 

in your mind

you can fly away

a butterfly fluttering by

in and out of the shadows on a 

late summer 

afternoon sun beaming 

and we retreat into the shadows

curled on cold stone

find the floor and holding on

until the next setting

of our sun.

flashes of life

are all I have really, 
these fleeting memory moments
in sum adding to a 
life lived not exactly
me, more
a reminder of a version
a character's story unwinding
roads meandering across miles
and years, decades of storylines
eventually converging to a single
spec of time
exists only
i can see it
a sweeping history
narrowing to the faintest, tiniest
a pinprick of light in the moment
exploding into an entropic 
future unknown
scope of this life
is yet incomplete
memories roll and rumble 
connected, one leading to the next
doesn't convey an order
understood by anyone
outside of this body
tells the story:

organic washed out tones and soft shag
see under the table and straining to reach
some salvation as the 
disastrous cacophony
wall shaking
pleading to please 
stop; 

I'm flying
unbound by gravity and incoming
faith leapt toward

salvation cold to the touch and 

covered in coal dust

of memory unsure

which came before; 

that wall

integrated in my mind

a map of previous

wild running

I am hurt, but

i do not hurt

protected by providence

the sky opened and 

sustaining life, but oil slicked

roads and drink and speed

and careening for exactly 

me, but 

I remember how the body

crumbled and 

fractured fiberglass and

shattered glass

and bent metal, 

my body whole and bounding down

to wherever was next; 

so many ghosts

that brick shell standing

we crawl inside

exploring the damp

lives brought into and out of 

this physical world it fought

physics,

the immutable laws

of life in that neighborhood

held us all in the same contempt

just under the surface

realizing which

side of the tracks are you 

standing now

2500 miles away; 

I went at some point

up the mountain

freedom of a sort

air tasting different

kind of alone

surrounded by something

unknown until feeling undeniable

I felt at home;

left behind

up a ribbon of asphalt curving 

my circulatory system alive in those 

green hills rolling less

into the built world

at first all the pieces into place just

so, I was set

in theory only works

becoming second nature to 

is quitting a necessary step to every

there was one;

there was no quitting

some things last

thought i have each 

dreaming of a time and place

and those faces

never downcast in 

memories live forever

eventually happens that

we keep growing

older in some ways and 

younger selves imagining a future

filled with what 

i wonder how near or far

today is from yesterday’s

tomorrow;

i can hear the flickering

of the film 

a constant tick ticking

becoming a muted organic flutter

in this heart and belly

the memories on a screen

watching the characters

so familiar

what stories are they going

tell me your wisdom

is learning from the past

lives trapped behind a screen

and safely distant from

what an exceptional 

who was that kid?

I can picture you

balanced, beaming smile 

and those glowing warm eyes

unencumbered by what waits

the future is her home

what kind of gifts are 

the lessons unlearned by them

so that we know their shape 

a silhouette of what should’ve 

i’ve been there

or near there

your there is yours and mine is mine.

 aches just the same, but different

shadows are hard

what casts those 

borders of light and dark

your eyes adjust eventually

you don’t even realize

the difference between light

shadows only exist 

in each, sometimes more comfortable 

we don’t really choose

the heavens move of their own

what accord

is there harmony to be had

does the resonance become

less trill closer

nearer to thee I cannot 

hear the droning

thrumming of an eternity’s

past, present, and future

until

we flip a switch

and finally, 

the show’s beginning

lights and life flickering into 

something was no longer 

is 

this a story i’ve 

lived before?

pretend

you said,
sometimes are perfect
we roll in the tide of just
living limited times
what’s left over after so many
leaping over the edge
rises how many feet
dangling in the ocean
of sky blue, below
or is it above
the inky darkness of
unknowing is as likely as
unliving;

there is no undoing

it continues to unravel

or maybe, we unspool

a wondrous tangle of the 

most brilliant colors

you feel as much as

can you even see them anymore

has it all gone bluegreygreen again

is impossible

home is never a place to go

back to front I’m never sure

which direction to pull out

of this spinning earth

and the glance of a forever

some are

just that, knowing acceptance of

understanding

the golden glow of late afternoon

and late summer

in this transition the same

hearts, but

each beat knowing the countless previous

as only

necessary memory; the pathway

to nowhere, but 

here a monolith

weathering and sunfading

warm thoughts in places so often

hiding from the solar 

storms exchanged for 

familiar blankets hold us

warm and safe no matter how

worn

 

gauntlet

a towel thrown in
or is it running
zigzagging away from my 
truths are supposed to be 
self-evident
what about self?
accountable to what
the feelings welling or 
emotions derailing the simplest
joys can be had

lost and found again

but you have to look

where is most likely

inside or out

there is a scary imagining

life unattached from anything

but my internal compass

the needle spinning as if

peace in the eye of the 

storms hidden from all 

but the most perceptive

hearts can feel it 

can't ever really be 

hidden fears and hopes

I've so many of each

time I'm at the threshold

transforming into 

an impassable dark forest

explored from the safety 

this worn out perspective

doesn't develop with age

clarifies nothing more than

a light shone on the breadth

of what this experience grows

where the fuck is this going

i am lost and on a path

eventually ending in a lost city

a gold tinted and fuzzy remembering

even the worst times

present always playing second 

choices to move from and toward

what focus is drawing in

close your ranks and 

close your eyes and 

prepare

to run

the future

is always

a gauntlet 

coming out the other

sides aren't chosen

they just are

an endless rolling tide

of whatever happens next

must be next 

corners and we choose 

left or right

the Tetris of life

block by block 

it builds up, they fall

into place

some more elegantly

i stumble, but

always forward

thinking; there's always the reset

but, how many do-overs do we

get some new batteries

all sold out, but 

maybe we find a way

recharging and charging

again

headlong into 

whatever around the corner

is ever

only

the next gauntlet

what have i

is this already done
and dusted a patina covering
what began so shiny and 
new love is always perfect love

lasts as long 
as breath continues filling
a balloon bursting inside
my chest alternating between
fluttering and an 
ache of the first morning’s dawn

at the time so many
our small steps and tentatively 
believing the unbelievable

a Universe aligning 
the light pouring through the most
perfectly straight lines 

an infinity between the 
deepest blood red of 
histories unknown, but sympathetic 

a harmony of hurt
suddenly salved under that
cautious plague sky

Crisp blue and perfect 
we’ve been here before

you and he and she and i 
and each i, in each 
memories live forever

to be forgotten is 
an impossible past 
improbably but precisely
could have been no other

Life led but this 
determination an incalculable product of
choices &
chance;

Is there a difference?

Between you&i
there is no space for (Us)
realizing
the creature in the mirror
is the same as when we 
close your eyes and imagine

it’s the easiest thing in the world
apart we lived the alternate version 
of the other
the same

i spelled backwards is still i 

bearing, carrying the
black and blue and red of our own 
souls straining against this
life, offering nothing
more than
choices

once more

 into the breach I 
throw myself down the stairs
 & knowing that to ascend
a building momentum 
impelled by an unknown
(is it really though?)

we know exactly how most
stories you grab hold of
those dreaming alone times
remembering and realizing
only after they’re gone 
how close to fairy tales
you might’ve lived

if all life was just living
and loving
and free
(i have never been free)
chasing, being chased, trapped, 
by nothing more than the unasked
unmasked in the worst of times
energy within that drives
this whole life

to what end though
there is only ever one
inevitably 
to say things fall apart
of me wants absolution
I am not the bad guy
there is neither
all regrets are avoidable
choices are made even
unable to choose
life runs on and then, 
out

no matter if 
then what, always
needing to know 
what are the contingencies
there’s no safety in it
ever, because ever eventually
is forever
the sun sets on these
too

i am trembling

at the though of it
either/or

maybe I should wait and see

until a hundred more 

sleep on it 

this life is daydreaming

fugue of in between and 

torn in two

halves of the same million 

pieces making all of us 

something more than meeting the 

eyes, impossible to read

though utterly beautiful

i have no truth 

aside from the heart

a clarifying ache impossible 

to reconcile

how to walk away

intact

an emotional amputee

looking for some quiet safe place

somewhere I have felt peace

what kind lasts?

more than those minutes 

moving from one memory to the next

stepping stones chosen 

my feet are my own

whatever choice arises must be

making a path of my own design

has never been a strength

in only surviving 

life as it passes by

chance playing its role

and recognizing my own

i am trembling.

no answers

are given, nor expected
the ache within realizing 
bottomless capacity for enduring
hope for the intervention
of a universe at best
allowing us to stumble along 
what path we've lost ourselves
on our way, a clearing

the fog lifting 

on a tableau impossibly 

understood as a heartbeat

just there

neither beginning nor end

a cascade of moments

propelled by some molecular, 

some visceral

stardust passing through 

from origin to destination

both unknown, unseen

despair crowding out the 

possibility for joy

must not lose sight

of that horizon

where unknown maybes

still reside and 

parables inscrutable

until time is too short

another little pinch 

in my heart at the

realizing, i 

am only i,

& I is nothing more than

a memory projected into 

a space never occupied

is past & future

all one

moments, 

all we know

we have

no answers.

Surrender

I've been preparing for this
days an unbroken chain
wrapped up in the rising
& falling
Forever until ever arrives
sooner than my blood has 
prepared
for me only stop motion
snapshotting past lives
shared and lost

Recognize these days as
presents bound together
through an understanding
few are aware enough to know
there's so many different
inflections through this in and out
breathing life
into the ether I'm slingshot
and slipshod
but seeing how this curve
diverges and vanishes at some 
alternate point beyond seeing
from one sunsetting
in presence of each
streaming consciousness shared
with the other
inevitably to become an other
lives past led
and surrendered

I can see him standing there

Sill resting so often

needing neither light nor dark

a permanent memory

written in the physical world

grooves worn so deep into the flesh

of experiences; narrow;

but alive even after 

Death.

The soundtrack of 
those past lives
alight and breathing sweet tobacco
air held cloying on the skin
reminding you of exactly
from whence and wherefore 
You exist.
the product of memories
Once (and again) visceral.

Staccato cobblestone thrum
as an anxious heart
beating now and only
because their’s did so
first
at last we find the bottom
of things so easily seen
from such a distance
but never giving the 
attention to the truth of 
this family, an afterlife for
40 years
days and nights passing
shuffled from the same deck
And along the same narrow path as 
His father.

All things gathered
eventually, inevitably dispersed 
Out of entropy arises from
intentions waning and 
following the path cleared 
momentum’s own gravity
holds order until
the scales tip and kinetic is less than
potential
finds it’s zenith in the depth
of the heart’s chaos

Here, it is from which
we grab the compass’s waypoint
and go
building a new momentum
and the gravity of each movement
Spilling life into itself
the heart beats still
impelled by
the perfect 
combination
of
kinetic and potential

Our energies 
in constant balance
never all or nothing
even if memory’s only marker
is one never again seen
because it once was
it will
Ever be.

10.20.2021

You've no idea how

    sharp the sounds approaching

my heart from your

    feeling are true and

escaping your mouth to batter

    the tenuous bonds of our

time together is waning and

    that's no tragedy

would've been to not try

        to let each other drift apart

as if those cosmic months

    never happened

would my life be better

    or worse it doesn't 

        really matter

we're here now and doing

    what we can to stay

        afloat and together

but...

10.17.2021 #4

I don't know what I believe anymore

    an empty vessel drifting 

unmoored from the earth that

            restrained by reassured

nothing more than a disoriented mass

    of synaptic maybes and

the constant pit in my stomach

    the heaviness of chest holding

    back a beating heart

    running, racing from fear

from the fear of knowing 

that there are only so many

    more of these beats to give

Take me as I take you

            give unto the other with

            complete trust nothing more

        than the self imposed maybes you

            can't ever fucking square.

We're all just so many hoping

        creating knowing that we

            don't, won't, can't

bear to face each other in the 

            clarity of that light allowing

        forcing a choice to move one

            way and not the other 

                seconds to waste belong

            to a past where this

                kind of shit was novel.

10.17.2021 #3

What are these weapons we

            carry with us the inconceivable 

death accompanying life

    our weapons pointed directly

at hearts stabbing in the dark

    and bleeding on one another

because we know we can

            because we know we must

                        because we know that

times cares not for how much

            we know or love or 

                        hope.

I love unreservedly

            but I live cloistered 

in a cage of my own design

    to be at odds with each moment

        of each breath, I am

against it all and myself

            most of all

Is there peace to be had in this

            lifetime 

Can balance be found before

    acceptance can be catalyst

Can be perfect; a broken

    heart hopefully not ossified

    frozen in between beats

and unable to pump this

    life into warmth and 

sunrising moments where

feeling isn't just first but is

    only and completely and 

    trusted as I do the next 

breath will fill lungs and heart

and brain firing, mis-wired

    though it may be at times

Resonance with the abstract

    made real and running because

it is alien and unknown and 

the mis-wiring keeps clarity at

    bay keeps understanding the other

        nothing more than a wish

a hope that one day the 

    churning maybes against which 

I strain to breath may

    finally relent finally

an understanding and more

    why can't we accept ourselves

and the other's    

            expectations unmet

and the overwhelming sense 

    of nothing more than disappointment 

nothing more or less than balloon 

    bursting and kid's dreams failing

to become reality because

we live too much apart

from what actually is and 

    is not this enough to

try, to love

            may not be enough.