the 101

life is a minor chord of forgotten memories

on another highway

to where, i’m not sure

though the hills, green & rolling

and familiar in a passing way

these are not the same

heavy low, grey

ocean clouds

hanging about 

my head in these clouds

&

this endless stream

bodies hurtling through space

trapped in boxes

metal or otherwise

where are we going

vanishing point 

of some horizon

in a shrouded distance

is that even the horizon

where does earth end and sky begin

where do i end and you begin

white geometries 

embedded in organic memories

mysteries seen but never solved

unsure where this will all end

although

we all know

exactly

where this all ends

but that’s not for now

for now

is

another ribbon

black asphalt 

hope

&

hopefully 

at the end

a new memory

&

hopefully 

at the end

not forgotten

like so much else

maybe.

between here and there

peak summer swelter
and finally it returns
the rising before the sun and 
doing nothing else, can do nothing else
I write 
about you as always
except you always changes through
the years have left me 
advancing on some fronts and retreating on others
wondering where the border between
you & i; Us
and then, there's them
on the outside (or at least, the other side)
imagining only what they think
it must be true
a coward, heartless, cold
shoulders and backs turning
toward the end
but it didn't have to be this way

Overwhelming loss feeling your

Absent minded day to day and 

Never realizing the damage

We’re too old for this shit

Why can’t we find

That shared path is out there

In the gloom and shrouded from

Unseeing, unwanting eyes and hearts

You know the way as much as I 

Do you want it

Because my life is yours if

Just see my pain and 

We’re all a part of it in 

The other reels at our clumsy

Loving you is still easy

Naturally fitting together 

Funny how the frames almost

Nesting dolls of the persons

Who were we when we were

Together only a past tense 

I hope not,

But why

What impossible truth do I see in

Your heart so strong

But tender too are those nights

From memory and a peace 

Only possible in the warmth of 

Loving our nest 

No matter the storm outside 

Eventually we had to leave it

And lost ourselves and became ourselves

A part of the storm

Tossed and shaken

Reaching out for the other 

Furious or heartbroken 

The hand outstretched through the tumult

Offering safety and love and security

While the other tallies the wrongs

Balancing the ledger so that each time 

Holding only cost more

the ambiguity of breath

cast aside for fear
of moving into a future
i still have to write it
right this ship
it sways and rolls until

we're floating upside down

& the water rises to the floor

where is the bottom of 

this decade has been 

nothing but adrift

my self an amalgamated

island of dying kelp avoiding

being washed ashore and food for the 

scavengers

am I bottom feeding

what sustains these efforts 

knowing the truth is 

exactly as she screams

He died today

last year

how possibly has this been

am I really here?

I don't know how to 

honor him, honor them

how much more should

how much more can 

I do anything 

right or wrong

you just have to keep going

it'll be messy

it'll be beautiful

it'll be sadder than even imagined

but only if you keep trying

keep moving

and when finally you find 

whatever soft spot 

in the heart of things

and you finally

let the walls crumble

and deep breathing

sigh

finally in that space

you are infinite

and even in the deepest 

peaceful rest and safety

the spirit moves

always

this will pass

we wanted the other to be the answer
a desperate wanting longing empty ache
there since we were the smallest 
memories of parents unable or unwilling

(we started the race with our laces tied together)

every relationship i've broken has been
different versions of the same story

(when will we learn)

there's time left to find a way, what's missing, where we need
mostly the work has to happen alone

(we're too ready to love)

patching over the holes with thinnest veneer
it wears each day until
the only way up is to tear it down 

framing exposed and seeing the whole thing
built in a haste by hands and hearts too distracted, too inexperienced, too lost

(they were so much younger than we are now)

fear fills the empty spaces

you wear this mask of invincibility, of freedom, of joy

the world, filled with those who love, who look 

to you, in you, they see a person, a way, an ideal

(oh, how I wish I were so free)

i see through the mask and love what it hides

we are messy things

arranged by the stars

perfect machines of flesh and bones, and feelings, and thoughts, and dreams

you have them, honor them

(when do we grow up and stop dreaming)

the doubt so deep into you

i think i know where

it all started before you had a chance to defend yourself

the light you shine into the world

what pours out of you is you

don't suppress it, or subvert it, or believe any less 

(you are a wonder)

i am not absolved

i did believe

i do not regret

that a trail ends alone and deeper in the forest than before

only means that you have the chance to find a way out

to slip into and become a part of the wherever and whatever

(you find yourself)

i know how much it hurts

you are not lost, you are not alone, you are not left

behind us are the voices

the earliest memories

love me, protect me, save me, hold me, want me, keep me warm

(they are not lies)

maybe in the wiring we can see how it falls

there's a part of me that will hold on forever

sadness is normal 

this gave so much

always more than the cost

(how much life can we fit into life)

there's joy in my heart

you put something back

together we float in the world

the updraft taking us and no better hand to hold

maybe the lasting beauty is that it doesn't

(nothing does, we know)

maybe forever as long as blood, red, and warm beats, can be found

we've both been sure

(did we have it before)

rolling over and grasping at nothing

my presence in relief

an outline of a memory

physical becoming space

am i strong enough to give you what you haven't asked for

air filling the room

breathing into those dusty dark corners

life filling like the most colorful

you there, floating, air in air

(you defy gravity)

we are survivors

a future 

hands held, pushed away

arms outstretched, or grasping in the continuing dark

thriving is a complicated question

(the answer lies within)

our emotions orbit this monster in relief

our foundations were chaos, absence, fear, uncertainty

deny, divert, cast the spotlight into my doubting self

the desire to master consumes our presence

it can't be defeated

(don't look away)

embrace all those parts of life that most frighten

i tell myself this and instead i sit here and write 

howling into the electronic ether a song that you may never read

(i hope you do)

and i hope one day you look behind 

see me however

do you see me

how do i look to you

what kind of creature do you construct in your mind

what fluttering in your heart rises when you think

how visceral does anything feel at this point

(are we numb)

there’s little new ground to explore, every blade of grass i've already named and can draw

my mind floods with memories and increasing understanding

few hidden corners of this interior world left unexplored

why doesn’t seem to matter as much

(how do we live inside and out)

the warmth of the sun i do cherish

under its constant glaring 

this damaged armor grown

it burns all the time

(i'm too sensitive)

did you mean what you said

any of the times

probably all of the times

maybe that's the truth

you manifest chaos and disorder into 

headlong life and pretending to not give a fuck

the universe doesn't protect any of us more than the others

(we're in this together)

time's running out

square to the fallacy

our ship is probably already sunk

on that bench 

all i wanted was connection

(to be seen by you)

you saw pain

pain isn't the only story

a love so incredible 

it wasn't possibly true

(i believed)

above me

a ten foot tall glowing

i saw beauty

more than 5 feet could ever

more than one place could ever

could i ever see anything else

(we were quickly loveblind)

have you ever been in a whiteout 

a thunderstorm so heavy 

i pedaled and screamed and the sky exploded

cacophony and blurring at the edges

peripheral lighting flashing 

green gauze illuminated 

soaked to the core and shivering

hair matted and no warning

bang! 

the sky surrenders

releasing and underneath that rage 

(i was there)

what refuge appears in your dark eyes

which places, which persons, which you

do you know it

can you imagine or understand it

when i talk about peace

(i am raw vigilance)

reaching shelter doesn't make the storm go away

i was alive and calm and safe

the terror into awe and waiting 

in timeless awareness, present

those moments become

i am built of memories

(a moment made flesh)

no martyr, no saint, no villain, no plan

the grandest of them still end the same way

does it have to be

if we could just work it out

what would it take to realign 

pass through time and space

again parallel lines

so near as to appear a single

point in space

that's what all lines are

perspective is a funny thing

(you can wake with eyes closed)

this won't make it any better

easier to hear

lighter to carry

quicker to live through

(i see your strength and your fragility)

our limits further beyond 

most people carry at least 16 

we're tangled in a great knot

all dichotomies (except one) are false

no one is weak or strong

we're all everything

(all at once)

which of those inside have you squelched

try to silence any

they'll come back louder and demand

nobody can hide forever what they are

(what if i don't know what i am)

make & be art

you are to shine light

let whomever and whichever wants

the spotlight and i lose my nerve

(the audience so near)

i've hidden my empathy thinking it made me stronger

a lie exposed baring truth

a thousand volt live nerve

emotion becomes physical presence

the room shrinks

he locks the door and says

(look how you hurt her)

i come home 

showering the day just done

my mind wakes again

5am start to another

sun drenched days 

happy endings and everything should

we could be anything

we choose to be objects

hoping to become flesh

let the lava flow

the stream and stone a furnace without beginning nor end

(does it have to end in flames)

burning cheeks sunken stomach churning shame

too much that i’ve felt this 

product of wanting

(please approve of me)

radical acceptance is a necessity

my wounds bleed over every 

correction betraying an expectation unmet

a vine growing to resent it's own existence

crawling away from it's source

consuming whatever it can cling to

(the roots die when we stop watering them)

it’s possible to accept completely

(let go)

she saw me

(& let go)

there was nothing i could do

was being asked nothing

loss transmuted

into understanding

(forget what you want)

i can only see from these eyes

feel from this heart

a little calloused; beaten too hard, too fast, too ragged

it’s always been so raw

this living and dying thing

this breathing and loving thing

i am no mute, empty, flat, stolid

inscrutable, maybe 

from understanding, outside

to me, i know

(i wear armor)

there’s always ways through

a glance

you see me

(i am not alone)

 

some walls never fall

some have xray eyes

some can leap the highest barriers

some float above and don't even know there was a wall at all

some walls were built before we had a choice

(how much you do you know)

can you find your own center

what’s it like in there

are you happy in there

is there an echo

is there an ache

are you freezing

are you burning

how long did it take to find the center

who do you tell

what do you do

how do you get out

(what’s the point)

balance is maintained in our inner

do you hear the ocean 

put the shell to your ear and close your eyes

you're there no matter where

echoes of the life that used to live 

a hollowed out and sunken self

my eyes are always tired now

(i don't know where to go)

i turn inward

toward the dawn

i steal the small hours

like clockwork

the failing furry body keeping me company

i'm awake in the dark and basked in this glowing ember

he's unwell again

bad days are gaining on good

the faintest bluegrey background outlining wispy black

leaves of paper falling soon in that other place

the dying of the light

diffuse and sun streaked through a billion black branches

 

(fall we must before spring)

what does the road look like

i've pictured it

desert, plains, green, trees

(corn so tall this time of year)

more trees

hills and humidity rising

into mountains

into memory

the immensity of this earth and i amongst the fields

just another thing grown

(the cull comes for each)

there is no mania

the rising and falling 

nothing more than the tremors

an internal seismology 

the instrumentation indecipherable 

an internal universe unmeasured

just a frog in a boiling pot

occasionally the awareness dawns 

i have to jump

(the heat is always there)

together, we could live forever

do you really believe that

everyone needs a time out,

i am in this sadness 

past the apex of a turn too deep

(just waiting for the impact)

 

sailing blind and knowing 

the inky black waters 

however you imagine the present and future

we both know there's more below the surface than above

(are all martyrs true to the end)

some things

some people

some ideas 

are more than belief 

(they are truth)

here we are

what is our truth

are we living it

have we subverted it

denied it

is it really this complicated

with this much joy &

(does it have to hurt like this)

can the impossible be true

what's the difference between

(our deepest needs want)

whatever truth

we don't control

we can't control

some things just are

(our choice is simple)

you have tried so hard

you have been unwilling, unable, or defiant

(as have i)

belief in a middle ground

it's a canyon between the rims

can you fly without wings

i can see you on the other side

this rock on which we stand

with enough time and force

even the earth gives way

pieces crumble, are washed away 

or rebuilt 

(in turn, as necessary)

there's no miracle

only choice

do you love me

more or less 

every day dawns 

thinking of the last hours, minutes, moments

how long have we been here already

we can't survive it

(none of us do)

find the moment and live in the window breeze

cooling and always there to remind 

i know the difference between tragedy and

this enormous hurt

to look you into you

(we don't have to be this way)

i understand the damage done

you're past hurt 

now something inside wants

hurting back may feel powerful 

these moments pass

emptiness fills the space

another dark fog rolling in off the the shore

moored to this place because i've refused

the truth is 

(i love you)

(i have to go)

(this will pass)

walking home

waking before the alarm
still in the dark
but clarity
'remember this'
i dreamt of walking home

it was never a home 
i knew though where i was 
coming from some far off place before the 
lights turn on and reality

sit in this moment
and feel whatever it feels
don't
denial doesn't actually change 
you are whatever you 

such a tender feeling now
and I see you
smaller in the distant 
mirror reflecting the shimmering heat

the city recedes behind scrubby hills
rise and descending into that great
sandy plain 
an expanse of rock and dust
the occasional green hue holding 

faster and faster across this 
open the windows and feel the 
hot air amounting to 
best intentions are fucking nothing

what do all these dreams mean

you know exactly

it's not even avoiding 

the truth permeates the 

everything of living the last

one more time and 

finally the

we are at the mercy and 

the gratitude for 

a universe circling around countless others

and we 

the same a 

speck of

this sounds familiar and

there are no answers.

two days

the sadness of another
isolated grey morning dawning
realization that today is no
further down the road than 
yesterday i was one day younger
versions of myself never imagined
being where i am today; 

I really do love you

are probably better cutting ties

with the creature behind the keyboard

helps keep a distance between whatever

self-ish or self-less

it doesn't matter 

both see the world from a 

I can only imagine the tenuous

feeling shaky and when's the 

penny dropped for me

flashing on the screen

"I love you"

there was no fury

there was resolve

i am not going to let this end

all things do

as they, and we

and the trees and the sky 

and the birds in it

impermanent

it's just a matter of perspective

I have just that

it's not just imagining

I know exactly how it feels to hold a thing

together we 

holding on, battling on

hope against the hopeless

can you surrender to 

i dreamt the most horrible 

i'm so sorry

not for loving you 

will remain with me forever

arrives whether we want it to or not

i fear death as much as 

anyone still wanting

to lead a particular 

this life has not been bad

i've been lucky

I've known beauty.

and whatever is the absence

i've felt

it arises in me without warning and 

like a spooked animal

the instinct is to run

away from the dark feelings

won't go away

but, they don't need to

welcome them, accept them

remove their power stares directly

the sun in my  

eyes closed and seeing the

opaque reminder that within

still beating, this heart

through feast and fallow

storm and calm

an anxious ceasefire in the small hours

slip through, pass by and 

gone forever

I don't want to be another ghost

nor to know another

life will always be with me

as i hope you will be

in perfect balance we teeter on this 

crest of the western mountain 

views into an ocean of clouds

hard to tell the haze from the shimmer

sea holds me mute

a pebble within

and as distant as any other

sharing an origin

the pebble, I, and the ocean

a recognition of the truth

of any life 

even where there is no life

in those trees though

they fucking breathe and fill

my deepest emptiness with

something never quite put to words

miss the point

I'm trying to say 

in the deepest forest of my 

memories are lies, unintentional

avoid the details

remember how to feel

feel to know which point on the map 

drawn from memory and ignoring the side roads 

backtracking from the rim of this 

canyons are earth in relief

the memory of this planet's past

lives are the same

i have changed

the course you choose

to ignore or reckon with

the reality is that

this is what I believe

in yourself accept the 

worse in every way, I'm

not quite free falling

not too late to self-arrest before

the great yawning ocean of air

i'm sliding toward oblivion

out of control 

the more i wait

the less likely

dig in and do something

ring the bell and 

make the earth sing

a resonance that carries on

long after the friction is applied

this life echoes

put it up to your ear and 

you can hear your past

selves screaming your name

move man, time is running 

out the door and into tomorrow

you never know until 

you try.

little creature

how do you burn down

the forest explodes

a billion twinkly shadows

shades of green overlapping

and in the middle

the perfect most tiny

elegant little 

flowers bloom in the 

strangest places make you

feel more like yourself

has been searching the same

we just can't quite

find what

never existed except

if you can dream it

stops being real the moment

walking away

down that same path 

is never the same as 

time before 

you moved differently

the wind tasted of a

different seasons

reminding 

renewal is 

even the most fragile

little flower

has deep roots.

soon shall i

there's always more to come
sometimes the next minutes
turn into years and 
i'm 43 now
20 years ago and then some
windblown, rattle trap of
a condemned home 
is still a home
one that you want to 
leaving does't mean
sometimes that's just what comes 
next steps, there's no way round
the building built beneath 
these feet only work walking
forward is the only 
directionless a sea of kelp
floating cities of 
inidivual pieces fall away and 
washed on a shore
misunderstood and discarded
does the sea weap
salty tears covering so many
times our face next to
yours and mine pantomiming
some larger thing happening here
we're wrapped in a 
this is all so distracting
and time is running
are the words harder to form
to find a truth
who ever said there was one
what answer will satisfy
there is none.

i'm a big dumb

monsters under the bed 

haunting me since 

my memories 

of some things they

never faded

worn elbow patched

the wound is still there

now you go into the world

wearing a sort of armor

pierced hearts finding just

the smallest space between these 

ribs like the blinds fluttering

rattled by the atmosphere and 

shaken from some mid morning

the skies are still grey 

but with air so cool and sweet

you know there's light behind

we're all left by

someone will be there after

the fall is around the corner

turned toward which

ever love lasts

i really do still believe that

they can change the world

the words a window

representing some deeper 

understanding

longing, dying to live

and be loved

for exactly

yes, accept this 

for what I am, i am

healthy or sick the 

truth of 

is there anything left to

just say it

comes into this world and disappears into 

an ether of experience

unbothered, mute

to the immensity we

feel this thing

but the trees don't 

fucking child to be so

still caught in 

this loop of 

self-denial

hoping that 

you were born anything

other

I'm just sitting here

and watching 

the leaves sway and 

dancing in the wind

soon

shall i

be.

maybe if i keep writing

eventually the answers will
fall out from this one may
irradiate my heart 
once and for all I sink
into the art
to living a life
some of the folks down
here things have turned 
however they do, they did
going back isn't an option
on the future is always a gamble
with hearts, the house holds
the secret we all know
time runs out and you'll never
waiting is suffering;

every single day undistracted or unplanned

there is no plan

for which ending

or is it a beginning

you must understand that they

two pieces of the same 

get close enough and every circle

a straight line between then

now I lost my way

and a new light rising on a new 

line of sight vanishing 

in a pinpoint of clarity

clarifying only that there is nothing

solid in the core of anybody

but the earth made us

returning to it sooner than ever

hoping for a reprieve that never

mind the darkest bits and 

what shines in the distance never

dullest thud of wind

knocked from my sails and drifting

a languid surface hanging lifeless air

and under the sea you know

a world beyond imagining

is all we got to get 

past a point where letting go

seems possible if only

strength comes from the 

moments that you remember after 

everything still makes me 

it's a kind of happiness

like for someone else

that was you, is that possible

more than you ever dreamed

a domain of fear

the darkened eyelids hinting at 

an inner life twisted and 

i've never been good at tying knots

are they scars on those trees

mending in acquiescence to forces

you only see them in relief

a shadow of past 

the wind howled this way

so i bent down and let the shore

drifting down a river whose

terminus 

this isn't the end of of the line

maybe nothing more than a junction

one of so many little dots on this

could you chart your life

what story do you tell of 

is the articulation accurate and enough

to sustain you toward the next

the map point yet filled 

you've gone over the edge of the paper

it doesn't matter

the walls filled with memories

writing on any available surface

to catch the water as it pours out of the base

a sieve leaking and making a mess

better than bursting

you can't stick the balloon back together

it's best to ride the current higher and higher

hope is at best

we drift gently toward

some warm field, green and sweetly

humid rustling on a quiet save

the bees buzzing about

this business of 

biology won't be bettered

there's nothing to overcome

with me and we'll 

walking together for while

the sun sets eventually

to rise again

and whose hand then

are you holding?

it always matters

what am i supposed to do
nothing will happen unless

what if

maybe

could be

i’m not sure

signs are all around

not even signs, but glaring

directly, openly 

and yet, and yet

your tears well up, you balk

why is that

what truth are you seeking

what don’t you already know

maybe the unknowing is any future

course charted easy to see on this

heading in a different direction 

you’re choosing to fly into the cloud

which way is up, how close are the mountains

i had the worst dream last night

terror and pleading to please don’t

be responsible and accept 

that whatever happens next

on the page, you’re the one with the pen

ink to paper and suddenly

as if we’re all a little magic

idea becomes reality

it has been a hazy dreaming maybe 

half and half living

half measures eventually give way

through the valley the water must rush

gravity’s invisible hand, relentless and 

inescapable the ending of 

all stories like ours 

is the same as any before or yet

&yet &yet

there’s a light of hoping against

the deluge may be diverted

it doesn’t have to turn out 

the same essential life

forcing through the years

forging a path uncut

purposely going left when all else is right

in these lives

we are representative of 

the species has a knack for stacking the deck

against myself the odds aren’t

hope is greater than despair

nothing is ever that 

the world won’t end

until we end

and by then

it won’t matter.