this will pass

we wanted the other to be the answer
a desperate wanting longing empty ache
there since we were the smallest 
memories of parents unable or unwilling

(we started the race with our laces tied together)

every relationship i've broken has been
different versions of the same story

(when will we learn)

there's time left to find a way, what's missing, where we need
mostly the work has to happen alone

(we're too ready to love)

patching over the holes with thinnest veneer
it wears each day until
the only way up is to tear it down 

framing exposed and seeing the whole thing
built in a haste by hands and hearts too distracted, too inexperienced, too lost

(they were so much younger than we are now)

fear fills the empty spaces

you wear this mask of invincibility, of freedom, of joy

the world, filled with those who love, who look 

to you, in you, they see a person, a way, an ideal

(oh, how I wish I were so free)

i see through the mask and love what it hides

we are messy things

arranged by the stars

perfect machines of flesh and bones, and feelings, and thoughts, and dreams

you have them, honor them

(when do we grow up and stop dreaming)

the doubt so deep into you

i think i know where

it all started before you had a chance to defend yourself

the light you shine into the world

what pours out of you is you

don't suppress it, or subvert it, or believe any less 

(you are a wonder)

i am not absolved

i did believe

i do not regret

that a trail ends alone and deeper in the forest than before

only means that you have the chance to find a way out

to slip into and become a part of the wherever and whatever

(you find yourself)

i know how much it hurts

you are not lost, you are not alone, you are not left

behind us are the voices

the earliest memories

love me, protect me, save me, hold me, want me, keep me warm

(they are not lies)

maybe in the wiring we can see how it falls

there's a part of me that will hold on forever

sadness is normal 

this gave so much

always more than the cost

(how much life can we fit into life)

there's joy in my heart

you put something back

together we float in the world

the updraft taking us and no better hand to hold

maybe the lasting beauty is that it doesn't

(nothing does, we know)

maybe forever as long as blood, red, and warm beats, can be found

we've both been sure

(did we have it before)

rolling over and grasping at nothing

my presence in relief

an outline of a memory

physical becoming space

am i strong enough to give you what you haven't asked for

air filling the room

breathing into those dusty dark corners

life filling like the most colorful

you there, floating, air in air

(you defy gravity)

we are survivors

a future 

hands held, pushed away

arms outstretched, or grasping in the continuing dark

thriving is a complicated question

(the answer lies within)

our emotions orbit this monster in relief

our foundations were chaos, absence, fear, uncertainty

deny, divert, cast the spotlight into my doubting self

the desire to master consumes our presence

it can't be defeated

(don't look away)

embrace all those parts of life that most frighten

i tell myself this and instead i sit here and write 

howling into the electronic ether a song that you may never read

(i hope you do)

and i hope one day you look behind 

see me however

do you see me

how do i look to you

what kind of creature do you construct in your mind

what fluttering in your heart rises when you think

how visceral does anything feel at this point

(are we numb)

there’s little new ground to explore, every blade of grass i've already named and can draw

my mind floods with memories and increasing understanding

few hidden corners of this interior world left unexplored

why doesn’t seem to matter as much

(how do we live inside and out)

the warmth of the sun i do cherish

under its constant glaring 

this damaged armor grown

it burns all the time

(i'm too sensitive)

did you mean what you said

any of the times

probably all of the times

maybe that's the truth

you manifest chaos and disorder into 

headlong life and pretending to not give a fuck

the universe doesn't protect any of us more than the others

(we're in this together)

time's running out

square to the fallacy

our ship is probably already sunk

on that bench 

all i wanted was connection

(to be seen by you)

you saw pain

pain isn't the only story

a love so incredible 

it wasn't possibly true

(i believed)

above me

a ten foot tall glowing

i saw beauty

more than 5 feet could ever

more than one place could ever

could i ever see anything else

(we were quickly loveblind)

have you ever been in a whiteout 

a thunderstorm so heavy 

i pedaled and screamed and the sky exploded

cacophony and blurring at the edges

peripheral lighting flashing 

green gauze illuminated 

soaked to the core and shivering

hair matted and no warning

bang! 

the sky surrenders

releasing and underneath that rage 

(i was there)

what refuge appears in your dark eyes

which places, which persons, which you

do you know it

can you imagine or understand it

when i talk about peace

(i am raw vigilance)

reaching shelter doesn't make the storm go away

i was alive and calm and safe

the terror into awe and waiting 

in timeless awareness, present

those moments become

i am built of memories

(a moment made flesh)

no martyr, no saint, no villain, no plan

the grandest of them still end the same way

does it have to be

if we could just work it out

what would it take to realign 

pass through time and space

again parallel lines

so near as to appear a single

point in space

that's what all lines are

perspective is a funny thing

(you can wake with eyes closed)

this won't make it any better

easier to hear

lighter to carry

quicker to live through

(i see your strength and your fragility)

our limits further beyond 

most people carry at least 16 

we're tangled in a great knot

all dichotomies (except one) are false

no one is weak or strong

we're all everything

(all at once)

which of those inside have you squelched

try to silence any

they'll come back louder and demand

nobody can hide forever what they are

(what if i don't know what i am)

make & be art

you are to shine light

let whomever and whichever wants

the spotlight and i lose my nerve

(the audience so near)

i've hidden my empathy thinking it made me stronger

a lie exposed baring truth

a thousand volt live nerve

emotion becomes physical presence

the room shrinks

he locks the door and says

(look how you hurt her)

i come home 

showering the day just done

my mind wakes again

5am start to another

sun drenched days 

happy endings and everything should

we could be anything

we choose to be objects

hoping to become flesh

let the lava flow

the stream and stone a furnace without beginning nor end

(does it have to end in flames)

burning cheeks sunken stomach churning shame

too much that i’ve felt this 

product of wanting

(please approve of me)

radical acceptance is a necessity

my wounds bleed over every 

correction betraying an expectation unmet

a vine growing to resent it's own existence

crawling away from it's source

consuming whatever it can cling to

(the roots die when we stop watering them)

it’s possible to accept completely

(let go)

she saw me

(& let go)

there was nothing i could do

was being asked nothing

loss transmuted

into understanding

(forget what you want)

i can only see from these eyes

feel from this heart

a little calloused; beaten too hard, too fast, too ragged

it’s always been so raw

this living and dying thing

this breathing and loving thing

i am no mute, empty, flat, stolid

inscrutable, maybe 

from understanding, outside

to me, i know

(i wear armor)

there’s always ways through

a glance

you see me

(i am not alone)

 

some walls never fall

some have xray eyes

some can leap the highest barriers

some float above and don't even know there was a wall at all

some walls were built before we had a choice

(how much you do you know)

can you find your own center

what’s it like in there

are you happy in there

is there an echo

is there an ache

are you freezing

are you burning

how long did it take to find the center

who do you tell

what do you do

how do you get out

(what’s the point)

balance is maintained in our inner

do you hear the ocean 

put the shell to your ear and close your eyes

you're there no matter where

echoes of the life that used to live 

a hollowed out and sunken self

my eyes are always tired now

(i don't know where to go)

i turn inward

toward the dawn

i steal the small hours

like clockwork

the failing furry body keeping me company

i'm awake in the dark and basked in this glowing ember

he's unwell again

bad days are gaining on good

the faintest bluegrey background outlining wispy black

leaves of paper falling soon in that other place

the dying of the light

diffuse and sun streaked through a billion black branches

 

(fall we must before spring)

what does the road look like

i've pictured it

desert, plains, green, trees

(corn so tall this time of year)

more trees

hills and humidity rising

into mountains

into memory

the immensity of this earth and i amongst the fields

just another thing grown

(the cull comes for each)

there is no mania

the rising and falling 

nothing more than the tremors

an internal seismology 

the instrumentation indecipherable 

an internal universe unmeasured

just a frog in a boiling pot

occasionally the awareness dawns 

i have to jump

(the heat is always there)

together, we could live forever

do you really believe that

everyone needs a time out,

i am in this sadness 

past the apex of a turn too deep

(just waiting for the impact)

 

sailing blind and knowing 

the inky black waters 

however you imagine the present and future

we both know there's more below the surface than above

(are all martyrs true to the end)

some things

some people

some ideas 

are more than belief 

(they are truth)

here we are

what is our truth

are we living it

have we subverted it

denied it

is it really this complicated

with this much joy &

(does it have to hurt like this)

can the impossible be true

what's the difference between

(our deepest needs want)

whatever truth

we don't control

we can't control

some things just are

(our choice is simple)

you have tried so hard

you have been unwilling, unable, or defiant

(as have i)

belief in a middle ground

it's a canyon between the rims

can you fly without wings

i can see you on the other side

this rock on which we stand

with enough time and force

even the earth gives way

pieces crumble, are washed away 

or rebuilt 

(in turn, as necessary)

there's no miracle

only choice

do you love me

more or less 

every day dawns 

thinking of the last hours, minutes, moments

how long have we been here already

we can't survive it

(none of us do)

find the moment and live in the window breeze

cooling and always there to remind 

i know the difference between tragedy and

this enormous hurt

to look you into you

(we don't have to be this way)

i understand the damage done

you're past hurt 

now something inside wants

hurting back may feel powerful 

these moments pass

emptiness fills the space

another dark fog rolling in off the the shore

moored to this place because i've refused

the truth is 

(i love you)

(i have to go)

(this will pass)