our tenuous truth

we are all full 

of dread

to be shaken from these

bones aching in 

the morning; cast open

the blinds and let

the light in

my heart flutters

and most 

mornings are met with

ready to try again

ready to let the day

wrap around me as a

something familiar but with

possibility comes from practice

making perfect the rising

numbers and anxiety;

there's no denying

truth solves nothing

is to be solved

personally

we all must move

in good faith forward to some

unknown horizon

and a new dawning

eventually will arrive

the destination less a goal

more an abstraction to which

we pursue

an idea

always important to be

moving toward something

not to distract, but to 

focus

on the present 

is a gift

never for granted; taken

but in this plague time

moves far too slowly if dwelling

on the torpid present

always leading somewhere else

we must balance this

being, here

dissipating as quickly as acknowledged

our tenuous truth

of constant change

these mornings come so early

Cool, relatively and calm

certainly 

Without;

the soundtrack of instinct and carelessness

of moving to the unheard

rhythm of instinct

My so many neighbors

about their business

of living another summer morning

as any other passed

Memories, I imagine

to them 

only serving as guide rails for

an unthought 

Future.

Has the lane narrowed so much

that moving forward is

impossible unthought future

They risk without ever knowing

how they’ve learned

No time to dwell

Here is gone

and past before

you can even consider

Now is a link

closing as quick as thought

of an unbroken chain

connecting the first 

Summer morning

to this sunspeckled maybe

Of a day that I’ll remember

as I do so many

passed.

oh, fortune

     From where do these words

arise.

some slumbers
  are forever

But, we've still time
  And breathe
     And beating hearts
       And fortune; sides with

Us.

to love

and, be loved
is all I’ve ever really felt
important in this world
impermanent and fleeting as we are
this may be the greatness
of which i am
capable

ode to joy

a surging and
undeniable
filling with joy
in your presence
seeing you
are beautiful
and I
am still in love
endures
and
my heart
is alight

3,384 days

a name and
feeling born in the depth
of that winter before we
met

and here I am, still
awake in the dark
the sun soon to rise
and writing and thinking
of you

in silence
drinking my coffee and listening
to the tap tapping of these keys
and the seconds
ticking by
reminding me

of what I'm unsure
if it were a choice
it would be untrue
it is no choice
it just is
I love you
still wrestling with being
ok

I am, I think.
it's life led and not dwelling on the things
that; the thing that
(this distance)
I cannot control
just as I love
it just is
and we live with it
and the clock ticks
unknowing, oblivious
but reminding
there's still life to be lived
and indeed the world is alive
and
awake before the sun
as am I.

no matter what else

I do
going far or near
in silence or wind roaring
down the road
I return
to you

I hope to share the world.

With you.

Live in my heart
a wellspring fed by unknowable source
so deep it runs in the longest drought
it overruns too
(and that's hard to handle, I know)

damnit; I miss you so much.

just needing to say it
because I can't say it
because if giving in to the instinct
to hold on so tight
I may suffocate
the hope of
a future still
unwritten

it's screaming in me
the moment I fall
and rise the next
there you are

I am in love.

absolutely.

irreconcilably.

have been.

for now 9

years.

lean into it

Entering a new phase

unlike the last time

In my youth, when

passing from loss to acceptance

to

I’m better off

Because this isn’t that.

This is enduring-

And here 

I lean in

To the truth

Of my love

For you.

And believing, yes, still

as weary as any my age

Not cynical

But knowing

I believe

in the power

of truth

& of love

& that each

Are worth defending.

And if they were false

as any falsity, would become

Exposed

and fade in the light of

Truth

But this doesn’t fade.

I am alive in this truth.

& I lean into the

eyes closed

feeling and seeing through lids held tight

It is so bright.

Even as cold air and snow crunches under foot

Even as tulips break through the surface

Sacrificing themselves to the deep freeze-

They tell us:

It’s only for a while

We will bloom

As the warmth

Wins out

it's different

with you, 

even if some of the words aren't

enough to draw a feeling

transcendent; words fail

(mine do)

the immensity of this

(we have)

a wellspring deeper than

deep

description fails

it's a thing felt;

lived

&knowing

that love is universal; that we are

capable of

this universe of knowing

the other unlike any

other

but, this thing

to knowthe other

as one knows the self

and to love that selfsame other

is more than words

is every metaphor

is the grandeur and terror and risk

of existing

2/19/19 5.09a

I woke up and

Everything was wrong

Living in some empty

Nightmare world

Where I have everything

And nothing