10.01.2021

p. 9 of ?

We were providence.

(Us.)

squinting sun sunshine shield against

pandemia

  Impervious & flowing

two souls navigating the within &&& without


how and why did we do it?

ending up in the same love

anxious and motivated to love

to try any thing because all else

things have led nowhere but

exactly there

in a green blanket, blue roof

endless hope


All doors to futures unknown, open

  because all doors, past, closed

some by our hand, some by theirs

&&& some by time and forces

  only felt only known in eye closing

backward thinking and feeling of


Was i that person?


We were, always are

that selfsame thing only remembered 

not embodied any longer

than the moment of this breath after the 

last 

we always are, what we were


past, present, future

no separation within this body

every moment lives all at once in our

hearts &&& minds

it’s all true and correct, and right

because it’s all us

because we can never escape our

  choices 

and each must be paid for 

each costs, each is a back turned

to a part of that inescapable self


12.09.2020

want to be

where I am going 
Or
is it, I am.  
just be; 
Who I am 
  who am I
    & 
      where am I going?

Drifting toward the middle 
of the page passing and running
on in sentences started on some previous
pages turning over
as each morning creeps 
closer to sunlight & 
Warmth

       Out here a tower of salt
    eroding and recaptured by the 
  surf rolling back out and now a part
the whole larger than imagining
Comprehension of here
& now
less than 
flowing, a river of 
feeling
flash bulb moments sparking through
closed eyes and allowing
senses
unpolished and unrestrained
unpracticed and wobbly

Legs though, strong
& planted, though
not rooted to
anyplace/time
only self seeking
an other
and found through
providence

at which
these lines
intersected at just
a moment
it flashed by; 
a star paraboling
and we both
grabbed it & 
each other
& who knows
any more than
wherever we are
going
we are
together
& wherever
matters much
less than 
we, ever.


8.20.2020

you're no lover

 and I'm no fighter
so the song goes
but I did fight
with myself and the tide
turning of time and 
growing apart

of us will never be without
the other
but apart
we will never again be
us

and they
never know, really, what 
we
were
ever you go forward
the path behind swept away by 
time's tide

how we found now
only lives in our hearts and 
memories fading but never 
forgotten
quiet moments of sun dappled 
silent looks and holding on

dear life 
it is and has and continues
apace
has finally, yes, I feel it
slackened
if only just a bit

but, that's enough to see now
and what may be next
and how big both
now and maybe really are
entire worlds in each

and only knowing by being a part
of maybe 
a new us
to have our own glances
and silent paragraphs
of knowing
an other 

7.16.2020

our tenuous truth

we are all full 
of dread
to be shaken from these
bones aching in 
the morning; cast open
the blinds and let
the light in

my heart flutters
and most 
mornings are met with
ready to try again
ready to let the day
wrap around me as a
something familiar but with
possibility comes from practice
making perfect the rising

numbers and anxiety;
there's no denying
truth solves nothing
is to be solved
personally
we all must move
in good faith forward to some
unknown horizon
and a new dawning
eventually will arrive

the destination less a goal
more an abstraction to which
we pursue
an idea
always important to be
moving toward something
not to distract, but to 
focus

on the present 
is a gift
never for granted; taken
but in this plague time
moves far too slowly if dwelling
on the torpid present
always leading somewhere else
we must balance this

being, here
dissipating as quickly as acknowledged
our tenuous truth
of constant change



7.10.2020

these mornings come so early

Cool, relatively and calm

certainly 

Without;

the soundtrack of instinct and carelessness

of moving to the unheard

rhythm of instinct


My so many neighbors

about their business

of living another summer morning

as any other passed


Memories, I imagine

to them 

only serving as guide rails for

an unthought 

Future.


Has the lane narrowed so much

that moving forward is

impossible unthought future

They risk without ever knowing

how they’ve learned

No time to dwell


Here is gone

and past before

you can even consider


Now is a link

closing as quick as thought

of an unbroken chain

connecting the first 

Summer morning

to this sunspeckled maybe

Of a day that I’ll remember

as I do so many

passed.

4.08.2020

oh, fortune

     From where do these words

arise.

some slumbers
  are forever

But, we've still time
  And breathe
     And beating hearts
       And fortune; sides with

Us.

6.30.2019

to love

and, be loved
is all I’ve ever really felt
important in this world
impermanent and fleeting as we are
this may be the greatness
of which i am
capable



4.09.2019

ode to joy

a surging and
undeniable
filling with joy
in your presence
seeing you
are beautiful
and I
am still in love
endures
and
my heart
is alight

4.07.2019

3,384 days

a name and
feeling born in the depth
of that winter before we
met

and here I am, still
awake in the dark
the sun soon to rise
and writing and thinking
of you

in silence
drinking my coffee and listening
to the tap tapping of these keys
and the seconds
ticking by
reminding me

of what I'm unsure
if it were a choice
it would be untrue
it is no choice
it just is
I love you
still wrestling with being
ok

I am, I think.
it's life led and not dwelling on the things
that; the thing that
(this distance)
I cannot control
just as I love
it just is
and we live with it
and the clock ticks
unknowing, oblivious
but reminding
there's still life to be lived
and indeed the world is alive
and
awake before the sun
as am I.

3.10.2019

no matter what else

I do
going far or near
in silence or wind roaring
down the road
I return
to you

I hope to share the world.

With you.

Live in my heart
a wellspring fed by unknowable source
so deep it runs in the longest drought
it overruns too
(and that's hard to handle, I know)

damnit; I miss you so much.

just needing to say it
because I can't say it
because if giving in to the instinct
to hold on so tight
I may suffocate
the hope of
a future still
unwritten

it's screaming in me
the moment I fall
and rise the next
there you are

I am in love.

absolutely.

irreconcilably.

have been.

for now 9

years.